Fail for the Lost
by Xysnei
Summary: Commander Jane Shepard is brought back from the dead with one purpose: save mankind from the Collectors. But can she keep her hands off her male alien squad members long enough to actually do what she was asked to do? Parody of ME2's plot. R&R!
1. Of Death And Rebirth

**A/N: This is just a little something I decided to write. It's basically a humorous version of the ME2 plot. Some things will be different from the standard ME2 plot, so bear with me. Don't take this too seriously.**

* * *

Shepard found herself in her cabin on the Normandy SR-1, wondering whether she should paint her armor black or pink. She had asked the other crew members about it, but they hadn't reached consensus yet. Joker, Garrus and Tali had favored black, while Wrex, Ashley and Liara had voted for pink. It was a matter that so utterly confuzzled the hell out of Shepard that it actually worried her more than the impending Reaper threat. Ever since she had blown Saren's face off back on the Citadel, both the Council and the Alliance had been behaving like giant douchebags, sending her to fight the last pockets of Geth resistance for no apparent reason. She still didn't understand why she hadn't been given a promotion yet – she had saved the damn galaxy!

She leaned against the armor cabinet, looking over her other options. Green armor was nice, too. No, that didn't intimidate like pink armor did. Or she could just wear no armor at all. She was level 60, her shields were maxed, and it wasn't like the Geth could actually hurt anyone on Casual difficulty. Still, wearing armor would seem like a nice idea. At least it would stop the crew from looking at her breasts every time she walked past them.

A few minutes later, she came out of her cabin, wearing a mixture of pink and black armor. It looked hideous, but at least she wouldn't have to choose.

She sat down in the elevator, which had gotten stuck once again. Damn elevators. She wished there could just be loading screens instead. Now she had even less time to check the Mako.

The elevator doors opened, and Shepard noticed Garrus standing next to the useless piece of junk like always, caressing its tires as if it was his own child. She never knew why he liked the vehicle, but he did. She stepped closer to him to ask him about krogan testicles, like she did every week. The dialogue wheel just wouldn't open up new conversations, dammit!

Suddenly, the entire ship started shaking, and the Mako crashed into the wall, leaving a shocked Garrus standing there on the verge of tears.

'_We're being attacked! It's not the Geth!' _Joker's voice rang through the Normandy. _'Shepard, get the crew to safety!'_

Shepard sighed. Oh no, fire safety training again? It had been funny the first time, but this wasn't the moment to-

'_SHEPARD, GO!'_

The ship bursted into flames. Shepard had to admit, the fire looked quite realistic for fire safety training. She waved her hands through one of the flames, only to find her N7 gauntlets slightly melted from the heat.

Oh crap. This was real fire.

She put on her helmet and made her way to the escape pods, Garrus following closely behind her.

'Shepard!' he yelled. 'Will the Alliance get here in time?' He had to dodge a falling piece of debris after every word he said. 'Not that I care about the Alliance, but…'

'Garrus,' Shepard groaned, throwing a turian-only helmet at him, 'just to be clear, _the ship is exploding around us._ There's _no way_ the Alliance can get here in time.'

'I _know, _Shepard.' Garrus put on the helmet and nodded. 'I just said it for…_dramatic effect_.'

Shepard took Garrus' talon in her hand and threw him into one of the escape pods, accidentally knocking him unconscious in the process.

Well, at least he was safe.

'I'll go find Joker.' she told the unconscious Garrus. 'He'd better get his ass right over here or I'll punch him so hard he'll have more than just some broken bones!'

She ran into the general direction of the elevator while stuff exploded around her. The elevator doors inmediately opened and closed behind her, and relaxing music mixed with horrifying screams and explosions.

'_We are experiencing heavy turbulence.' _Shepard heard a synthesized voice say over the relaxing elevator music. _'For your own safety, please, do not operate the elevators.'_

'Nice to tell me that when the elevator's already moving, you crapshoot computer.'

'_It appears you are trying to make this elevator go faster. Would you like help?'_

Shepard nodded. Inmediately, the elevator started moving up at an incredible speed, pinning her down to the floor. When the elevator stopped, she crashed into the ceiling.

A few minutes later, she managed to get out of the elevator, heading for the cockpit while even more stuff blew up around her and dramatic music was playing. Joker had better buy her a beer for this.

Joker was sitting in the pilot's seat like always, pressing random digits on the keyboard. Shepard wanted to punch him on the shoulder, but that would dislocate his arm and send him flying, so she managed to restrain herself.

'Joker, we have to get to the escape pods!' Shepard screamed over the dramatic music. 'Leave the Normandy. That's an order!'

Joker looked at her, a mixture of horror and amusement on his face. 'Shepard,' he whined, 'I can still save her!'

Shepard couldn't control herself anymore and punched him in the face. Not too hard, of course. Joker inmediately stood up and limped behind her as she pointed him to the nearest escape pod. He hopped in, and then it happened. The cockpit started blowing up around Shepard, seperating her from Joker and ripping open her oxygen tank.

'_Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet. Can't die now, haven't done it with a turian yet.' _ was all she could think before being blown into the endless void of space. Her feelings numbed and her body went limp.

Two seconds later, Commander Jane Shepard was dead.

* * *

'_Commander Shepard has been recovered.'_

Shepard heard someone. Definitely a woman. Speaking with an Australian accent. Wait, how did she know about Australia? Probably some information from the Codex. Yeah, that had to be it. She tried to sit up. Everything in her body hurt like hell. Instinctively, she reached up to grab some support, only to find that she had grabbed something big, soft, and round instead. She opened her eyes.

A black-haired woman in a Cerberus jumpsuit was staring at her, incredibly pissed. Shepard noticed that the big, soft, and round thing she had mistaken for support was actually one of the woman's breasts, bouncing gently in the cool breeze. Shepard gave a sigh of embarassment before letting go, and the woman's expression softened.

'_She's alive.' _she heard the woman say.

'_I can't believe we actually cheated death.' _a second voice, distinctly male, spoke. _'Suck on that, laws of nature!'_

'_Give her the sedative, Wilson. We'll test her abilities later.' _ The woman turned away from her.

The last thing Shepard saw before her world went dark again was the woman's enormous butt. Shepard turned away in horror before blacking out.

* * *

'_Commander Shepard, we're under attack!'_

Shepard woke up to hear the Australian woman's voice yet again, this time through the intercom. Couldn't a woman get some shut-eye without being required to save people's asses every five seconds? Then again, the woman had a very big ass. It could be important in the days to come. Maybe it'd even help Shepard save the entire galaxy from the Reapers, although she doubted it.

'_Grab some armor and a pistol from the locker in front of you, Shepard! Go!'_

Having nothing better to do, Shepard got up and opened the locker. Inside, she found N7 armor, which looked different from the one she had grown used to, and a small, crappy pistol, which she both inmediately equipped. The armor hadn't been washed in a while, apparently. It was stinky and it itched, but it was armor.

'This pistol doesn't have a thermal clip!'

Why had she just said that? The guns she was used to didn't have this weird thing called "thermal clips". The pistol should just be able to fire until it gets overheated, not have some crappy ammo thing just to add a gameplay mechanic!

'_I'm sorry, Shepard. Cerberus doesn't fund ammo costs!' _the woman yelled over the intercom. _'Grab one off one of the guards. Be quick though, mechs are closing in on your position.'_

Shepard searched the room for any possible dead guards. She found one, lying in a pool of his own blood and vomit. She also found a thermal clip lying in said pool of blood and vomit.

'Oh, no. Not picking that up.'

Then the door opened, and three humanoid mechs came running in, one by one, all carrying a gun and an omni-tool. Shepard gave a short groan of digust before reaching into the nauseating pool, grabbing the dirty thermal clip and shoving it in her pistol.

She shot the mechs. One, two, three times. Blew off one's head, took the other one's arms out, and kicked the last one in the face so hard it broke its mechanical neck.

Shepard fought her way through several more rooms like this, until she finally saw a grenade launcher lying on the floor. She picked it up carefully, and aimed it at a mech under her position. 'MORE DAKKA!' she screamed as she blew up the randomly placed explosive crates next to it, causing all the useless robots near it to…well, explode.

She took the elevator down to the ground level. Luckily, this elevator was a bit faster than the one on the Normandy had been, and she was downstairs in no time. Walking through empty hallways with dead guards and broken mechs all around her, she grabbed her pistol again. Best not to waste heavy weapon ammo.

Finally, she came to a large room, where yet another person in a Cerberus jumpsuit was located, currently holding off some mechs. She took cover next to him, and studied the man's looks.

'My name is Shepard. Can you help me with-' she said, but the Cerberus guy rudely interrupted her.

'Yo, I'm real happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but these are some of the most screwed up mechs of all time!' the Cerberus guy exclaimed loudly. 'OF ALL TIME!' He got out of cover to fire at a mech, whose head popped like a cherry, then turned back to face Shepard.

'Name's Jacob. Jacob Taylor. Squad member and potential love interest.'

'Err…nice to meet you, Jacob. I'm Commander Shepard.'

'Shepard? Miranda woke you up early? Gotta be some mean shit going on in here!' Jacob reloaded his gun. 'Have to cut through these mechs, first. Got some biotics, so if you want me to do a weak-ass Pull or something, just ask.'

Shepard shook her head. 'It's okay, Jacob. I've got biotics too.' She demonstrated her powers by lifting up a mech and slamming it against a wall multiple times. Jacob looked on in shock.

'Let me use Pull on them.' he said, pointing at a few mechs. 'It's a tutorial on using squad powers.'

Shepard took a deep breath. 'Okay,' she groaned, 'use Pull on those…_things_.'

Jacob smiled, got up from cover once again, and used Pull to lift a mech about a metre from the ground. Shepard had to admit, she was impressed. She had expected less from a first squaddie.

When the area was clear, Jacob put his gun away and stood up, pointing towards a door on the other side of the room. 'Shuttles are through there.'

'I think you're forgetting some necessary exposition, Jacob.' Shepard folded her arms. 'Why did I wake up in a hospital bed?'

'You've been dead for two years. Cerberus revived you.'

'Oh, so _that's_ why I smell like a corpse.'

* * *

About an hour later, they had rescued some guy named Wilson from being evaporated by mechs, overloaded some explosive crates, done a hacking tutorial, done a lock bypass tutorial, and done a medi-gel tutorial. The only thing standing between them and the shuttles was one door. Wilson pressed some random buttons, and the door opened. On the other side, there was the same woman Shepard had seen earlier, the one with the Australian accent. Bouncing in the breeze. Yeah, that one.

Without saying a word, the woman aimed her pistol at Wilson and shot him for no apparent reason. She even smiled as she did so.

'Commander Shepard.' She put her pistol away. 'That bastard betrayed us all, so I had to shoot him. I'm sorry, I don't know why he betrayed us, but he did. Plot hole, maybe?'

Shepard lowered the pistol she had aimed at the woman. 'You have an alibi.'

'Shepard, I have to tell you something.' Jacob said. 'Me and Miranda here…we work for Cerberus, y'know?'

'Well, since Cerberus' logo is plastered all over the place, and it's on your suits, too…I had no idea!'

Miranda slapped her head. 'Our boss…the Illusive Man…he'd like to see you, Commander. We just have to get you to another Cerberus station.' She pointed at the door behind her. 'Follow me.'

* * *

**A/N: That was great to write. :D**


	2. Freedom's Progress Part One: Unexpected?

**A/N: This chapter is where it really starts to deviate from the ME2 plot, adding a rather…**_**strange**_**…member to the team.**

* * *

Commander Jane Shepard sat in a shuttle with Miranda and Jacob, who had chosen to ask her a few questions about her memories just to check if they were all right. Jacob had activated his omni-tool, while Miranda wrote down every damn thing Shepard said.

'Shepard,' Miranda said, 'your psych profile was a little vague. Is it true you worked at a fastfood restaurant before joining the Alliance?'

Jane nodded sadly. 'I worked at Mindoir Burgers when the place got blown up by batarians.'

Miranda chuckled and wrote the information down on the datapad. 'Must have been hard for you.'

As a reaction, Jane inmediately went into a fetal position. 'All the burgers…_burning_…can't get it out of my head…they're coming for me…oh God, get them off me!'

Miranda looked at Shepard incredulously before writing down this piece of new information.

'Can you stop writing down everything I say?' Jane asked, pulling the datapad out of Miranda's hands. 'It's really annoying.' She looked at the information Miranda had written down so far.

_

* * *

_

'_Commander Jane Shepard_

_Level 6 Sentinel_

_Birthplace: Mindoir_

_(Re)Born: Yesterday_

_Rank: SPECTRE_

_Oddities: _

_Commander Shepard apparently likes kittens very much. Might buy one for her to up morale. She's a big fan of aliens too (possible xenophile), so she could possibly turn on Cerberus. Might act on my suggestion of implanting a mind-control device to make her my slave – uh, a willing ally of Cerberus._

_Personal History_

_She grew up on Mindoir, where she worked at a local fastfood shack. She proved her skill in battle by killing batarian slavers, using nothing but mustard and ketchup. Don't ask, long story. Anyway, Shepard started out in the Alliance as a cook, but when they noticed she was better at fighting than at cooking, the Alliance made her a soldier. She proved herself during the Blitz, earning the right to call herself the Hero of Elysium. Not that that will actually be referenced anywhere in the game aside from a few stray dialogue lines you can only really hear by investigating the dialogue wheel very closely, but the options are there._

_While searching for Saren, she made a few powerful alien allies, such as the krogan warlord Urdnot Wrex and the turian C-Sec officer Garrus Vakarian. She also met a quarian with an overly long name that I have forgotten right now. Both Vakarian and the quarian seem likely to join our cause, but will remain secret squaddies until the time comes. Looking at Shepard's psych profile, I can see she's been subjected to a lot of stress and might need extensive brainwashing – I mean, therapy to get over the bad things that happened in her life._

_She died after the ship she was on, the Normandy SR-1, got attacked by a yet unknown enemy, and was successfully brought back to life with the Lazarus Project, along with Subject B. So far, her emotions seem stable enough.'_

_

* * *

_

Jane threw the datapad at Miranda's head, which she narrowly managed to dodge. 'How did you find out all of this? And why am I only level 6? I was level 60 back in Mass Effect 1!'

Miranda smiled. 'Easy,' she said, 'Mass Effect 2 only has a level cap of 30, so we had to lower your level a bit for it still to be fair. You've gained some new abilities, though.'

'Such as?'

'You can wield heavy weapons now!' Jacob exclaimed. 'Isn't it great blowing something up with a grenade launcher or a laser?'

'And,' Miranda added, 'we've altered your face to be slightly more attractive. You've got _five_ possible romance options now, instead of just an asari doctor and some whiner.'

Jane folded her arms. 'That's not what I call an "ability", Miranda. But thanks for telling me.'

Miranda leaned back into her seat. 'No problem, Commander.' She pointed out the shuttle's window. 'There's the Cerberus station we have been asked to escort you to.'

* * *

Acting on a suggestion from Miranda, Jane stepped into a dark room. She saw some blue lights ahead of her though, so she went to check it out. When she stepped on the blue lights, the device ran some orange lights up and down her body, as if it was scanning her. She squinted her eyes, and saw a man sitting on a chair in front of her, smoking two cigarettes at once, exchanging one for the other about every two seconds.

'Shepard.' the man, probably the Illusive Man Miranda had told her about, coughed.

'Is this the bathroom?' Jane asked in a friendly way. 'I really have to go.'

'Not before I've given you some necessary information, Shepard.' He took a long drag at one of his cigarettes before putting it down in the ash tray next to him. 'Entire human colonies have gone missing in the Terminus Systems. I revived you just so you could check it out for me. Expensive resurrection by the way, cost me a year's worth of extortion rackets and shaking down businesses.'

'Why would I do anything for Cerberus? You tried to kill me in the past.'

'Shepard,' he pointed at the computer screen next to him, which showed some kind of graph, 'this is serious business. Like the extranet. I am _not_ kidding.' He exhaled a large amount of smoke, which made him almost impossible to see.

'Okay,' Jane sighed, 'if these humans are so important, I guess I should go save them. But only after going to the bathroom.'

The Illusive Man nodded, an evil smirk on his face. 'I knew I could count on you, Shepard. Take the shuttle to Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be abducted. Miranda and Jacob will join you, as will a fellow subject of the Lazarus project that doesn't join you in proper canon.' He frowned. 'And no, he's not an OC the author decided to throw in just for kicks.'

'Hey, I'm a video game character.' Jane acknowledged herself. 'I have no real emotions, so I can handle suprises.'

Just then, she felt a three fingered hand on her shoulder.

'Missed me, Shepard?'

Jane turned around to see her old arch-nemesis Saren Arterius standing mere inches away from her, towering over her like a…well, _tower_. Inmediately, she felt the urge to kick him in the groin, but managed to resist taking the Renegade interrupt that would cause her to do so. Jane turned back to the Illusive Man, and shook her fist at him. 'I'll get you for this, you chain-smoking bastard!'

The Illusive Man just smiled at her as he lit up another cigarette, turning off the comm link.

* * *

'This is Freedom's Progress?' Saren asked after they had set foot on…well, Freedom's Progress. Miranda nodded. The turian sniffed the air for a moment before chuckling. 'Reminds me of Eden Prime. How…_tragic_.'

Jane shot the ex-Spectre a look of intense disgust before unholstering her gun and moving on through what was left of the human settlement. There were crates stategically placed along the way. This had to be a combat zone. Then she saw two mechs leaving a building, rocket launchers in their robot hands.

'Holy shit, mechs again!' she heard Jacob mutter behind her. 'I've got a bad feeling about this.'

Jane raised her eyebrows. 'That's what they say in every science fiction movie before everything goes to hell.' She, Miranda, and Jacob got behind cover, while Saren just stood there, looking slightly puzzled as to what was happening around him.

'Saren,' Jane yelled, 'are your implants malfunctioning? Get _down_!'

Shaking his head, Saren grabbed his assault rifle, calmly aimed at the mechs, and shot all their limbs off in one short burst.

'I never avoid confrontation.' he said, keeping his voice low. Jane cursed under her breath, stood up, and headed for the nearest building. She needed to get away from that turian, and fast. Kicking the door open, she looked around the corner to see a small quarian squad huddled together, sitting on the floor. One of the quarians, a female, turned to face the door. It took a few seconds for Jane to realize that this was Tali, the quarian engineer who had helped her track down Saren. The other quarians pointed their guns at Jane, so she thought it would be wise to stand back for a bit.

'Don't shoot, Prazza.' Tali told one of the quarians. 'I know this human.' She stepped closer to her, and appeared to be looking at her from all sides before clapping her hands together. 'Commander Shepard!'

Jane laughed nervously, trying to block Tali's sight so she couldn't see Saren standing at the other side of the field. 'Uh…nice to see you here, Tali…'

'Why is your commander working with Cerberus?' a quarian, presumably Prazza, asked. Tali turned to him, slightly annoyed. 'Because you touch yourself at night, Prazza. Now shut up.'

'I can't touch myself while I'm wearing this suit.' Prazza retorted matter-of-factly. Tali groaned and looked at Jane again. 'We're here for a young quarian named Veetor. He went here on Pilgrimage, but we've lost all contact with him.'

'Are you sure he's in here somewhere?' Jane asked, looking out the building's windows. 'He could be anywhere on this colony. And believe me, it's a big colony.'

'It's a tutorial level, he couldn't have gotten far.'

'I've got a squad with me.' Jane said, pointing to her useless team that was gathering dust outside. 'We can split up in two teams to keep the security mechs distracted.'

'Shepard, is that Saren outside!' Tali gasped. 'I thought we killed him? I saw him explode, I watched him die!'

Jane rolled her eyes. 'I'm quite suprised too, Tali. Right now, he's helping me with the mission. But I killed him once before, so if he turns on me, I'll rip his guts out. _Perfect_ _agreement_.'

Tali grabbed the knife that was strapped to her boot and passed it to Shepard. 'Here,' she whispered, 'it'll make the disemboweling go easier.'

'Turians have metal plating, Tali. A knife won't cut it.' Jane laughed at her own pun.

'I bet you can find some soft spots.' Tali said before helping her squad get up and ready. 'I'll see you later, Shepard.'

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's part one of Freedom's Progress. Hope you liked it so far, even though it's really weird.**

'


	3. Freedom's Progress Part Two: Veetor!

**A/N: This story is going to be so crude, violent, dirty, insane, twisted and screwed up that it will fail where no fic has failed before! :D**

**SAREN: Shepard, have you read the author's note?**

**SHEPARD: Yeah, what about it?**

**SAREN: This story is going to be so crude, violent, dirty, insane, twisted, and "screwed up" that I don't know if we'll live to see the Reapers.**

**TURIAN COUNCILOR: Ah yes, "Reapers"…**

**SHEPARD: Just start with the story, Xysnei. Or I'll gut you like a pig.**

* * *

When we last met our heroes, they were just going to the bathroom after meeting their old friend Tali for the first time in two years. Tears were shed, people got drunk, and Prazza got his squad killed by a pair of bloodthirsty mechs. Oh well, acceptable loss. Bet his full name was "Prazza vas Leeroy nar Jenkins" anyway.

Oh wait, that didn't happen in the last chapter, did it? Well, it happened. Too bad you missed it, it was great to see Prazza get squished by an YMIR. At least, Saren thought so. He had been giggling like a schoolgirl ever since it happened.

"That was hilarious!" Saren roared with laughter. "He was always a one-dimensional character, and now he can finally live up to that!"

"Too bad we got here too late." Miranda mumbled, kicking Prazza's corpse to the side. "My arse could have shielded him from the blow. It's practically a portable airbag."

"Your ass can do a lot of things, Miranda." Jacob said, squeezing…well, Miranda's ass, an action that extremely disturbed Jane. "It's a raft, a parade float, and we could even use it as a tent!"

Miranda nodded excitedly. "It's even got its own kinetic shields!"

Meanwhile, Jane had been pondering her very existence as a video game character ever since they had landed on Freedom's Progress. True, being the first human Spectre was awesome, but she got a bit scared of herself whenever she went on the extranet, only to discover there had been "fan fiction" written about her. Mostly about her and Garrus, or about her and some secret squaddie she didn't know anything about yet (who in God's name was this "Thane" guy?). Could these people see into the future? Was Garrus one of her romance options? She wouldn't mind that, actually. It would mean that all those romantic discussions about the true meaning of krogan genitalia had finally paid off after all.

* * *

After going through yet another tutorial about bypassing locks, the fail-brigade got to the room where Veetor was located. The quarian sat in the corner, pretty much high from open-air exposure thanks to suit ruptures. Crappy quarian suits, never work right when you need them to.

"Veetor?" Jane asked carefully, aiming her pistol at the quarian.

"Need to stay here. Safe from swarms." the quarian stuttered, trying to stand up to look at the display screens, all of which depicted good old classic vids like "Not Without My Bottom Left Testicle: A True Krogan Story", or "Spit Or Swallow: A Guide on Turian/Human Relationships". Veetor noticed Jane staring at the screens, so he turned on some random security camera bullshit instead. Jane was intensely disappointed at the sudden lack of turian/human action.

There were some clowns on screen. They were happy, playing with kids, giving them balloon animals…until they got frozen by small bugs. A lot of small bugs.

"What does this mean, quarian?" Saren spat before he pimpslapped poor Veetor, sending him reeling backwards. "Say it!"

"It's the Collectors." Miranda gasped. "I knew they had a fetish for humans, but I didn't know they had a fetish for clowns and kidnapping, too." She turned to Jane, who was hacking the displays to show "Spit Or Swallow: A Guide on Turian/Human Relationships" again. "They must be working for the Reapers, Shepard."

"Why does your ass think that, Miranda?" Jacob asked dryly.

"Because the Reapers have a fetish for clowns, humans, and kidnapping, too." the loyalist groaned.

DUN-DUN-DUN. Dramatic revelation.

"My arse is never wrong, Jacob. I thought you'd know that by now." she added.

"Let me kill the quarian." Saren growled, aiming his shotgun at the high-on-air quarian. "We can't use him anymore."

"I won't let you kill Veetor."

Tali suddenly appeared behind them due to a graphical glitch that wouldn't show the "walking" animation. "He has to come with me, back to the Migrant Fleet. You know, to patch up his suit. You can kill him afterwards, though."

"The Illusive Hottie would probably want to keep Veetor as his personal slave - uh, indentured servant - uh, I mean, he'd like to interrogate him." Miranda sighed. "What do we do, Commander?"

"Send him off with Tali." Jane shrugged. "You can have the data from his omnitool."

"Of course, Commander."

* * *

**Mission Complete!**

**THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Shepard, you'll see this screen after every. Damn. Mission. You. Do. It's pretty neat, isn't it? BioWare's artists spent hours drawing it. The awesome blue/red star in front of me, the shiny lights, me sitting in a chair looking out over the endless void of space-**

**SHEPARD: I know. Just shut up.**

**THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Come back to the station. I've got a suprise for you.**

**SHEPARD: The last time you said that…oh wait, you never said that.**

**THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Exactly.**

**

* * *

**

"Shepard, I've got a ship for you. And a pilot." the Illusive Bastard chuckled. "They say he's one of the *cough* *hic* *cough* *hic* best."

"Let me guess, the ship looks exactly like the Normandy, but has more stuff in it, and Joker's the pilot."

"How did you know?" the Cerberus leader wheezed.

"I saw the art book that came with the Collector's Edition."

"Lots of spoilers, I bet?"

"Yeah, I already know who the final boss is going to be."

Joker entered the room, stumbling over the doormat and landing right on his face, probably snapping some bones in the process. Jane helped him stand up before punching him in the face again, just like she had done two years ago.

"If I hadn't gone to save you, I'd still be alive right now, Joker."

Joker stared at her long and hard.

"You _are_ alive, Commander."

"I'm an undead!" Jane yelled at the pilot. "That means I can only be a Mage, a Priest, a Rogue, a Warlock or a Warrior!"

"Rogues are pretty cool." Joker shrugged. "I don't see a problem."

**

* * *

**

"I still can't believe it's you, Joker."

"Look who's talking, you got owned by space!"

Jane, Saren, Miranda, Jacob, and Joker walked through the empty halls of the space station, until they finally got to a small room which had windows with a view on another dark space. Joker groaned in pain as he turned on the lights, having probably fractured his index finger. The dark space went bright, and the light revealed a ship that looked just like the Normandy, but it was bigger and had the Cerberus logo on it.

"So, what do you think?"

Jane shook her fist at the ship.

"Damn you, art book spoilers!"

* * *

Having settled in on the new Normandy, Jane was currently deciding what to do first. They had to stop the Collectors from abducting more human colonies, but they couldn't do it alone. They needed an army, or a really good team. Miranda and Jacob had suggested going after Mordin Solus, some salarian scientist who could develop a countermeasure that would work against the Collector swarms, while Saren had voted for using another dossier to track down Archangel, a turian vigilante and master tactician.

While recruiting Mordin first would probably be the most logical thing to do, Jane couldn't resist going after Archangel first. After all, he was a turian, and maybe even vulnerable to her feminine charm.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed! NEXT CHAPTER WILL INCLUDE: Meeting the Crew, Archangel Mission.**


	4. Archangel Part One: He's A Rebel!

**A/N: ****In which Shepard thinks about her changing feelings for Saren, her hate for Liara, and kicking Kaidan in the nuts, Miranda reveals her secret identity, Shepard wants to get in everyone's pants, Aria really hates flower girls, Shepard mentions that she is voiced by Jennifer Hale, Saren kills some random people, and Miranda has an argument with the narrator about songfics.**

**Miranda yells "Crikey!" a lot.**

* * *

"_Oh, Saren!"_

"_Oh, Shepard!"_

_Saren took off his armor, revealing the slender, yet muscular form hidden beneath it. Shepard, who was already unclothed, moaned in pleasure as the turian's hands roamed all over her body._

"_Saren! That's not what I meant with indoctrination!" Sovereign roared. "You cannot let your organic urge to mate get in the way of our plans!"_

_Saren ignored the pissed off Reaper, positioned himself in-between Shepard's legs, and-_

"Commander, wake up! We've reached Omega!"

Jane was rudely awakened from her amazingly erotic dream about Saren's Reaper invading her Citadel (if you know what I mean) by Joker. She thought about her feelings for Saren for a second before yelling a "yes" in response. Man, the last time she had felt so happy was when she had kicked Kaidan in the nuts. That was two years ago, and she still couldn't believe she hadn't done it more often before the poor man died on Virmire.

Of course, Kaidan's death had meant she was fair game for Liara, who tried EVERYTHING to get her into bed, even straight-up offering casual sex RIGHT AFTER the Virmire mission. It had taken a long night of intense therapy sessions for the asari to become less of a nympho, but she had still been interested in spending the night with Jane, who had reacted to this by pepper-spraying the bitch.

And that had been the last time she had seen Liara.

But anyway, back to the matter at hand: Saren. There was some obvious foe yay between them, even if she wasn't willing to admit it. Oh, she could still remember the headlines of the magazines back when she had just killed Saren…

"_**Is Shepard carrying Saren's half human/half turian love baby?"**_

"_**Did Shepard and Saren have a secret relationship prior to his attack on the Citadel?"**_

""_**Ah Yes, "Hot Saren/Shepard Romance". We Have Dismissed Those Claims!", Says Turian Councilor." **_

Now that she thought of it, that turian Councilor had dismissed a lot of claims, even back then. He had dismissed a claim that he was romantically involved with Captain Anderson, too, even though it had been totally obvious.

* * *

Jane hopped out of the Normandy, followed on foot by Saren and Miranda. Jacob had chosen to stay on the ship due to an extreme case of diarrhea caused by eating dextro-amino-acid food. Well, at least he wasn't dead.

After taking a few steps into the general direction of the nearest door, they were stopped in their tracks by three batarians and one turian, probably looking for a good time.

"Crikey." Miranda gasped. "My cameltoe is showing, isn't it?"

"If Jacob didn't have the shits, I'd have taken him instead of you." Shepard rolled her eyes before walking past the four men that were in her way. Saren did the same, leaving Miranda just standing there while the batarians and turian closed in on her.

"Super arse powers, activate!"

Miranda jumped in the air, landed on her ass, and bounced over her assailants.

"That was…quite interesting to see." Saren admitted, scratching his faceplate. "Never knew you had superpowers."

Miranda slapped her own butt. "I have to tell you something. My name is not Miranda Lawson…that is merely my alter-ego. In reality, I am Sailor Uranus."

"_Did she just say Sailor Your Anus?"_ Jane whispered to Saren, who nodded.

"Well, crikey, let's go catch that bloody Archangel." Miranda…uh, I mean, Sailor Uranus pointed in a random direction...to a rather intimidating club called Afterlife. "Agents. Are. GO!"

* * *

About two hours and lots of beer later, Jane got to sit with Aria T'Loak, the asari owner and queen of the shithole called Omega, and proud of it. She'd probably know something about Archangel and Mordin, so Jane decided to ask her.

"Archangel's in a bit of a bad situation right now." the asari replied, lighting a cigarette because, hey, it's Omega. Everyone smokes here. "The merc bands are planning to make him their bitch."

"You mean, they're going to kill him?" Jane leaned forward. "I need his help with a mission I'm on. And I want to get in his pants."

"I never said anything about killing him, Commander Shepard. I said they were planning to _make him their bitch_. Lots of nasty prison shower scenes, dropping the soap, you know."

Jane nodded. "Oh, like _that_. Then I'd like to make him my bitch, too."

Aria stared at her for a moment before pointing down to a merc recruiter. "You can sign up over there." she spat. "They're accepting everyone now."

"Seems like that's our ticket in." Saren shrugged. "Let's go. So many mercs to kill, so little time."

"Wait a minute." Jane held her hand up to calm Saren down before turning back to face Aria. "I'm also looking for a salarian doctor called Mordin Solus. I want to get in his pants, too."

"He's got a clinic in the slums. Just pray to whatever god you believe in that you don't run into Aerith, the local flower girl. She'll take you on a quest far beyond your wildest dreams…right before she gets impaled by a girly guy with a giant sword to compensate for his extremely small-"

But the squad had already left. Aria sighed and sipped her drink. She hated Mondays.

* * *

"Is this where I sign up?" Jane asked, putting her stuff down on the floor. "I want to make Archangel my bitch. In more ways than one. In fact, I've got a book on positions that has sixty-five– "

"Yes, honey, this is where you sign up." the batarian behind the desk interrupted her. "I'm not sure a woman can handle this job, though."

"I'm voice-acted by Jennifer Hale. I can do whatever I want, you sexist asshole."

The batarian sighed. "God, what I have to put up with." He wrote something down on a datapad before handing it to Jane. "This does not make you a member of the Blue Suns, Eclipse, or Blood Pack, human."

"I wouldn't join them, anyway."

A kid carrying a toy pistol came walking in. He was about sixteen years old, really short, and had a really annoying voice.

"Is this where I sign up?"

Shepard pulled the pistol out of his hands and bashed him over the head with it.

"This is _my_ adventure, pipsqueak. Come back when you're legal."

* * *

When the squad arrived at Archangel's base, it was filled with random mercs and freelancers, all discussing their plans to take down Archangel. In one of the rooms, the three merc leaders sat together, playing strip poker. It seemed like the krogan was winning: he was the only one still wearing all of his clothes.

In another room, Jane found a large heavy mech. It had a large button that just said "hack me", so she pressed it. Damn hacking tutorials, she missed omni-gel.

Then she finally got to the place where she wanted to be: Sergeant Cathka's room. It had a large gunship in the center, which yet another batarian was currently working on.

"Sergeant Cathka?"

The batarian nodded, turned around, and lit up a cigarette, like everyone on Omega did when you wanted to talk to them. Film noir influence, much?

"Oh great, more freelancers. Listen, kid. I've got to work on this ship. Armor's only at forty percent, and we can't take down Archangel without it."

Without saying a word, Saren grabbed his pistol and put a round between the batarian's four eyes.

"God, Saren." Jane groaned. "We'll never get the information we need if you keep doing that."

Saren chuckled, stepped over some rubble and Cathka's corpse, and jumped on the bridge that led to Archangel's hideout: a large building.

* * *

_At the other side of the bridge…_

Jane, Saren, and Miranda easily cut through all the weak mercs. This was Casual difficulty, after all. Not even the dudes with grenade lauchers could deal any serious damage. Miranda spammed Warp, Jane used Throw on everyone she saw, and Saren used…a combat knife. Really, stuff got bloody. Messy, too. Brains and guts, baby!

With a sigh of finality, Jane ran up the stairs, and saw Archangel. He wore blue armor, not unlike the set Garrus had worn when she had last seen him back on the original Normandy. She even recognized the helmet.

The vigilante stared out of the window through the scope of his sniper rifle, so he could hardly see them coming. Jane sneaked up behind him and slapped that hot piece of turian ass.

"That didn't feel so bad." she heard a familliar voice say from under the helmet. "But can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some killing."

Archangel shot one more merc before standing up from his kneeling position and sitting down on a nearby crate, taking off his helmet, revealing himself to be none other than Garrus Vakarian, turian, C-Sec officer, and in Jane's humble opinion, totally hot.

"Garrus!" Jane gasped. "What are you doing here?"

_I'm the son of rage and love  
The Jesus of Suburbia  
From the bible of none of the above  
On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin  
No one ever died for my sins in hell  
As far as I can tell  
At least the ones I got away with_

"And what is Green Day doing playing in the background of an otherwise very emotional scene?" Miranda added. "This isn't a songfic, is it? Because if it is, I'm bloody out of here."

Garrus took a deep breath. "I'm a rebel now, Shepard. Left C-Sec, got here on Omega, became Archangel, formed a squad, got my squad killed, ended up here, been here for a day, and-"

Jane smiled seductively. "Well Garrus, I happen to be a rebel, too. Maybe we should…_get together sometime_…and…start a rebellion, if you know what I mean… *wink* *wink*" she cut him off."I'd love to do that, Shepard." the turian replied. "Not now, though. There's too many people."

Jane did a victory dance. "SCORE!"

"What is Saren doing with you, by the way? I thought we blew that damn disgrace up."

"The author of this fanfic wanted it. Really, it's the only explanation."

Garrus shrugged and grabbed his sniper rifle again.

"Shepard, help me take out these mercs. I'll stay up here and attack their weak points for MASSIVE DAMAGE with my sniper rifle, you can do whatever you do best."

"That sounds vaguely sexual." Saren chimed in. "Oh well, let's get these bastards."

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	5. Archangel Part Two: Scarface!

**GARRUS: Hey, Shepard.**

**JANE: Hmm?**

**GARRUS: Have you seen the poll results?**

**JANE: What poll? What-**

**SAREN: We decided to hold a poll about who your romance option should be.**

**GARRUS: It started with a tie between smexxorz with me alone, smexxorz with Mordin, and a turian threesome with me and Saren…**

**JANE: How did it end?**

**GARRUS: The threesome option won.**

**JANE: So I get to bang both of you guys at once!**

***GARRUS and SAREN nod***

**JANE: Am I dreaming! WOW!**

***GARRUS turns to look at POLL VOTERS***

**GARRUS: Not only interspecies romance, but an interspecies threesome too? You people disturb me.**

**SAREN: *chuckles* We're going to have **_**so much fun**_**, Vakarian. You, me, and Shepard…it's going to be a blast. Touching each other…in intimate places. Ha!**

**GARRUS: Great, just what I need. Now I **_**know**_** I'm going to be molested by my arch-nemesis before this story ends. **

***JANE looks at MORDIN, who is currently entering some random numbers into his omnitool***

**JANE: Mordin, if Xysnei decides differently after all, and I have to bang you…would you have a problem with that?**

***MORDIN sighs, then shakes his head***

**MORDIN: Would be happy to explore human sexuality. Not right now, though. Need to focus on work in clinic. At least…until being recruited. Later?**

***JANE slaps herself***

**JANE: Dammit, start with the story already.**

**

* * *

**

After a long and hard battle, Garrus, Jane, Saren and Miranda had finally succeeded in luring Jaroth, the Eclipse leader on Omega, out of his hideout. It turned out he was still naked from playing strip poker with the other merc leaders, and while Jane was marveling at the salarian's suprisingly hot muscular alien body, Saren shot him in the groin. Jaroth groaned a quick "I only need one to have children, anyway!" before falling to the ground. Jane couldn't tell if he was dead or not, but it didn't matter.

Garrus strapped his sniper rifle to his back again and leaned against the wall.

"You're kicking ass, Shepard." he chuckled, kicking his helmet away. "They barely touched me. And we got Jaroth in the process. Been hunting that little bastard for months."

"I can do something about you not being touched enough." Jane giggled as she smacked Garrus' ass again. It was kind of painful for her because Garrus wore thick armor, but it was totally worth it, even if it was just to see the reactions it got from her squad. Miranda facepalmed and turned away, while Saren seemed to be vaguely repulsed and intrigued at the same time.

"How did you get yourself into this mess?" the older turian asked after a long period of silence. "Did you just feel the need to piss off every merc group on this station?"

"It wasn't easy." Garrus replied. "I really had to work at it."

"And who thought up the name "Archangel"?" Miranda complained. "It's bloody lame."

Garrus shrugged. "Please, it's just "Garrus" for you. I don't know why they decided to call me Archangel. Maybe Omega's religious or something. Either that, or I'm so good in bed they decided to give me angel status."

"You're _that_ good in bed?" Jane gasped. "Oh my God, Garrus, when this mission is over, you and I are going to have a little chat. In private. In my quarters. On my bed. Naked. And-"

Jane's voice was drowned out by a loud alarm. Garrus readied his sniper rifle again, while Saren reached for his combat knife.

"What is that, Garrus?"

"It's the shutters on the lower floor. I forgot to close them."

"YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A DAY AND FORGOT TO CLOSE THE BLOODY DOOR!"

"Well," Jane jumped up from the crate she had been sitting on, "we'd better close them, then. Saren, Miranda, go down there and seal the shutters while I…discuss personal matters with Garrus here."

"As you wish, Commander."

* * *

"Bloody Garrus and his bloody shutters."

Saren and Miranda had made their way to the shutters. They had to kill several Blood Pack mercs en route, but it wasn't that hard. Miranda, however, was complaining like there was no tomorrow. As always.

Saren groaned in annoyance and slapped Miranda in her genetically engineered face. "Shut up, human. I am not in the mood for your dilly-dallying. It would be okay if you had something useful to say, but the only thing you've ever added to this galaxy is your gigantic ass. And even the ass jokes are getting tiring. So, if you please, keep quiet. Or I will disembowel you with my fingernails. And believe me, humans are easy to disembowel. I should know. I've disemboweled humans with my fingernails a lot. Hell, I was even disemboweling people with my fingernails before you were born."

Miranda gawked at him for a moment, pressed the button to close the last shutter door, then tuned her omnitool's radio to Shepard's frequency.

"_Jeez-laweez, what is that!"_

"_This baby can take temperatures up to 9000 degrees!"_

"_Can't let you do THAT, Garrus!"_

"_Shepard, do a barrel roll!"_

"_GAAAAAAAAAAAARRUUUUUUUUUS!"_

"_SHEEEEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAAAAAARD!"_

Miranda slapped her forehead. "That has to be the weirdest roleplaying experience ever."

* * *

_Meanwhile, upstairs…_

Jane laughed her ass off at her omnitool. She had used voice manipulation software to make Saren and Miranda believe Garrus and her were having heavily implied intercourse. With StarFox quotes.

In reality, Garrus and her were fighting Garm, leader of the Blood Pack on Omega. The guy was a good fighter, but not good enough to survive a blast of Jane's Arc Projector, an uber-weapon she had picked up before starting the mission. In two shots, Garm was down, whimpering like a little puppy. A little puppy with four balls. "No! Keep me alive!" the krogan pleaded, but it was already too late. Jane had deepfried him in a very painful manner. Ouch.

Saren and Miranda rushed to her aid, guns blazing, shooting remnants of the Blood Pack and the Blue Suns that had just decided to infiltrate the building. But being attacked by Blue Suns rookies wasn't the worst thing to happen. For when Jane looked out of the window, she saw a gunship. Garrus saw it too, and got out of cover to shoot at it.

Needless to say, it didn't work out.

As soon as Garrus had left cover, he was shot in the face by the gunship's pilot, inmediately followed by a missile that sent him flying.

And he didn't wake up.

"Garrus!" Jane slapped the turian around. "Garrus, damn it, stay with me!"

Garrus opened his eyes, and lifted his head, taking a few ragged breaths before resting his head on the floor again.

"Sorry, babe. End of the line. Snipe one for me, will you?"

Garrus' breathing slowed down before stopping completely.

"Garrus!" Shepard screamed, turning around to face the gunship with her Arc Projector. "You'll die for that, you batarian bitch!"

She charged up the gun, aimed it at the gunship, and watched as the vehicle overloaded and exploded. Then she knelt down next to Garrus' corpse.

"This is even more depressing than when Bambi's mother died."

"BAMBI!" Garrus' eyes shot open, and he started to breathe again. "DON'T LET THOSE HUNTERS SNIPE YOUR MOTHER, BAMBI! NO!"

"We have to get him to the Normandy, Shepard." Miranda folded her arms. "He's hallucinating; a sign he's losing too much blood too fast."

* * *

Jane sat in the comm room, her face buried in her hands, crying like she had never done before. Jacob was there to comfort her, having gotten over his diarrhea. "Shepard," he said, "he took a bad hit. We told him we could repair his face, but he told us to keep it scarred…because he was "tired of looking so damn good"." Jacob grinned. "And I have to say, I agree with him. He is one hot son-of-a-bitch."

Jane looked up from her hands to see Garrus standing in front of her, his face horribly scarred by the gunship attack, but still holding together. She licked her lips. She liked turians, she liked men with scars – it just couldn't get any better than this. But would Garrus be interested in her? There was only one way to find out.

"Nobody would give me a mirror." the turian mumbled, scratching his scars. "How bad is it?"

This was her chance.

"Hell Garrus, you were always hot. Those scars just add to the depth of your character, and…I was wondering, are you a romance option?"

"I…uh, thank you, commander. And…" Garrus paused before nodding. "You can start my romance subplot after completing my loyalty mission."

Jane did yet another victory dance. "SCORE!"

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! In the next chapter, Shepard talks to people around the Normandy and makes preparations to go after Mordin.**

**I really wish I could write this in script format, too bad this site doesn't allow it. It would make the chapters so much easier to write… :)**

**I used Simple Plan's "Untitled" for the gunship scene because it's so cheesy and overdramatic, which is why the song is mostly used in parodies.  
**


	6. The Professor Part One: Doctor Oh No

**A/N: I'm warning you: this is a really short chapter. :)**

* * *

"I'm telling you, you can't go in! If the plague doesn't kill you, the Blue Suns will!"

"Humans can't get the plague, you ass! Now let me get my stuff out before the looters get it!"

Jane, Garrus, and Saren stood in front of the doors that led to the quarantine zone. A human woman was arguing with a turian about gaining entry to the slums beyond. Jane snorted. She had a gun, she could just pistol-whip them out of the way, but she didn't. No, she was just going to play this one nicely. She didn't want to hit that turian.

She walked to the door, Garrus and Saren following her closely.

"I'm sorry," she asked, "but can we go in? I need to find a salarian doctor, Mordin Solus. I need him on my team to save all humans from being annihilated by the Collectors. And, of course, to sleep with him. Salarians are hot."

"Okay." the turian finally said, in a serious, but still sexy way. "I'll call the guards on the other side."

"Wait, you're stopping me, but not them? You son-of-a-bitch!" The human woman shook her fist at the turian, but he pushed her away.

"You don't have a grenade launcher, lady." He turned to Jane and nodded in approval. "And you also lack the very supportive waist this human has, and the amazing fringe – uh, hair. I mean, if I'd ever go human, I'd go for her. I'd hit that shit."

Garrus activated his omnitool and seemed to be writing something down. "…_supportive waist…hair looks good…hit that shit_…man, those pick-up lines are pure genius." Jane heard him mutter before he shut down his omnitool again.

The human woman sighed, shook her head in defeat, turned away, and left.

"A quarantine zone for a plague that kills turians?" Saren chuckled. "How…discomforting."

Jane opened the door and beckoned for both turians to step in. "I need something to look at, and your asses are the best option."

Garrus shrugged. "It's your call, Commander. I'm not going to let some plague kill me."

* * *

_About two minutes later…_

Garrus, Jane, and Saren calmly strolled through the dilapidated slums, ignoring all the sick and dead people around them. Garrus had gotten a nasty cough, and he looked like his eyes would pop out of his head any minute now. Shepard had the turians walk out in front of her, while she used the scope of her sniper rifle for something it wasn't normally used for. Namely looking at Garrus' groin.

"Damn, Garrus. Your armor's really tight. I can almost see the outlines of your –"

"ERECTED WALL! NO TRESPASSERS ALLOWED!" Jane heard a random vorcha scream. "WE BEAT! WE KILL! WE MURDER!"

Saren unholstered his pistol. "Cute. The local vermin has come out to play."

The vorcha revealed his face. Even though Jane had an extreme case of xenophillia, she couldn't help but feel utter disgust at seeing it. The yellow teeth, the squinty eyes, the repugnant smell…hell, even volus were hotter than this.

"Let's do it, Shepard." Garrus aimed his assault rifle at the vorcha. "Right now."

"Are you talking about –"

"No, I'm talking about killing this guy!" Garrus coughed, unloading a full clip of ammo on the poor vorcha, who dropped like a fly. Garrus panted for a while, then sighed. Saren holstered his pistol again. "That was a nasty case of "hole in the head" syndrome." he recited one of his favorite cliché action movie lines. "He got…drilled."

"Humans." Jane heard someone cough. "First you infect us with this plague, and now you're here to reap what you've sown."

She turned around to discover it was a sick batarian, crawling towards them with a gun in his hand. "I…can't breathe…it's so…dark…have to…hold on…"

"He'll die if we don't get him to Mordin." Garrus concluded. "Get the medi-gel."

"NO!" The batarian aimed his gun at them. "Human looking for the human sympathizer. I should have known. Take one step closer and I swear, I will kill you all."

"Well then," Saren chuckled. "time to get "down with the sickness"." He aimed his pistol at the batarian, but Jane interrupted him before he could shoot. She knelt down beside him and gave him a dose of medi-gel. "Hey, stay with me. This won't cure the plague, but it'll help you get back on your feet. Keep in mind, I'm doing this for Paragon points, not because I like you."

"I…uh, thank you." the batarian replied, blinking with his four eyes. "Whatever Mordin is…I will risk it. Thank you again human, and goodbye."

* * *

After an hour of non-stop walking, the squad finally arrived at Mordin's clinic. The entire place smelled of medicine and antiseptic, and it was almost enough to make Jane throw up on the spot.

"Need to stabilize pulse. Have to be careful."

A salarian was sitting down next to a turian plague victim, checking his sores, probably looking for any abnormalities. This had to be Mordin Solus, great professor, doctor, and (Jane just had to admit) really good looking.

"Hmm. Who are you?" Mordin acknowledged them. "Refugees? No, too well armed. Strippers? No, wear clothes. Soldiers. Yes-yes." He squinted his eyes, looked at Garrus and Saren, and tossed them a small vial. "Both plague victims. Turian anatomy not my specialty, but have found cure. Will – "

"Relax, Mordin." Jane cut him off. "I'm Commander Shepard. I need your help with a mission."

"Lies." the doctor sniffed, not bothering to look up from the turian patient he was inspecting. "Sexually interested in me. Can smell pheromones. Would like to explore human sexuality, but not now. Need to focus on work in clinic. Later, perhaps. On your ship."

Jane's jaw dropped in amazement. "How did you know I wanted to –"

"Body language. Swaying hips, lip-licking, and, as I said, pheromones in air." He stood, turned to face Jane, and cleared his throat. "Will join you after plague is cured completely. Have found cure, but need to get it ventilated through entire district. Your job. Cannot go with you before job is done, as much as I'd like. Have work to do. Take this pistol, received it from a merc. Birthday present." He handed her a pistol, which Shepard inmediately recognized as the Carnifex Hand Cannon, a powerful little bugger that could rip through armor without any problem.

"Good luck, Shepard."

He gave her a half-assed salute, and went back to work.

* * *

**A/N: NEXT CHAPTER: The Professor Part Two: It Hits the Fan!**


	7. The Professor Part Two: It Hits The Fan!

**A/N: AWW YEAH! Chapter 8! Thanks for all the reviews so far.**

**

* * *

**

**(LOCATION: NORMANDY SR-2, MESS HALL)**

***MIRANDA and JACOB are sitting at the mess hall table, drinking coffee***

**MIRANDA: ** Hello, readers! My name is Miranda Lawson, and welcome to the first episode of "Ask the Squad", where we answer all your questions about plot events, characters, and other trivial matters. Have you got a question you're just dying to get an answer to? Post something like the following example into the review box along with your original review, and we'll see what we can do.

_(EXAMPLE)_

"_Dear Garrus,_

_Do you fantasize about Shepard every night? Do you have those really hot dreams where she's sucking your – " _

**MIRANDA: ** Dammit Jacob, stop writing these sexually oriented example letters! Okay, here's a less offensive one:

_(YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE)_

"_Dear Miranda,_

_What do you think about Shepard and the turians hogging all of your screen time?_

_Sincerely yours,_

_(insert name here)_"

**MIRANDA: **Now that's a good one.

***MIRANDA turns to face the camera***

**MIRANDA: **I don't understand Shepard. We got two comments asking for her to bring different squaddies to different missions, but she always takes the turians! I'm voiced by and modeled after Yvonne bloody Strahovski! Give me more screen time! I DESERVE MORE SCREEN TIME!

**JACOB: ** Yo Miranda, I'm real sad for you, and I'mma let you finish, but Garrus just has one of the hottest asses of all time! OF ALL –

**MIRANDA: **Jacob, shut up. Or I'll call Taylor Swift on you.

**JACOB:** NO! DON'T GIVE HER THAT AWARD!

***JACOB runs away screaming like a little girl***

***MIRANDA facepalms***

**MIRANDA: ** Now that that's out of the way…I wonder how Shepard's doing without us. I mean, we make a pretty good team. At least when Jacob isn't around…hmm…

* * *

Meanwhile, Jane, Garrus, and Saren were fighting their way through the slums, killing every Blood Pack and Blue Suns merc in sight. Corpses were strewn all across the makeshift battlefield, and those who died simply remained where they had fallen. It rained blood and guts, and in the end, Jane and her squad were the last ones standing. She ordered both turians to scout on ahead while she checked the corpses for valuable loot.

And then she realized Mass Effect 2 didn't have a looting system.

She felt like crying on the spot, but she managed to restrain herself, squinting her eyes at all the people whose armor she could not steal. She looked at her own dirty, rusty N7 armor. While it protected her against weak attacks made by obviously inexperienced merc rookies, it wasn't tight and shiny. And how was she going to attract Garrus without tight and shiny armor?

A devious smile crossed her lips as she thought of all the things that could possibly happen if she showed up at the main battery in a very tight outfit that showed off just enough of her feminine shapes and curves to drive Garrus utterly insane with lust and desire.

And then she started wondering what would happen if Fox News ever found out about this story. Man, she'd get sued big time.

Jane shrugged, kicked a merc corpse to the side, and followed Garrus and Saren into a side room. Her Spectre senses were tingling. And they only tingled whenever there was a useless sidequest nearby. The voices in her head were telling her something about one of Mordin's assistants being threatened by batarians.

The voices were right, like always.

Jane opened the door and immediately saw…well, a human being threatened by batarians. Again. She and her loyal squad of turian goons aimed their BFGs at the batarians. Again. This story is getting really repetitive now, isn't it? I mean, all Shepard does is aim guns at people and talk about her love for aliens. And why are batarians always stereotyped as violent, unpredictable slaver bastards? Does it really have to be like that? Batarians are people too! Come on, I –

"Shut up, narrator." Saren growled. "This is about us killing things with big guns, not about batarian stereotypes."

But I…oh well, let's get on with the story.

"We know you're spreading the plague." said one of the batarians to the human assistant. "We pulled the vials out of your ass. Oh, and there were several in your bag, too. Got those out as well."

The assistant slapped his forehead. "Dammit, nothing ever goes right when I'm trying to smuggle Mordin's pharmaceutical drugs for personal use." He covered his mouth with both of his hands when he noticed Jane's squad had heard him, and that Saren was already making preparations to put him out of his misery. "I'm sorry, did I say "pharmaceutical drugs for personal use"? I meant the plague cure. Yeah, the plague cure!"

Jane ordered Saren and Garrus to stand down while she tossed the batarians a funny-looking vial she had picked up at Mordin's clinic. There was a label with "PLAGUE CURE" on it in big salarian handwriting. Either that, or "LUBRICANT". She couldn't tell, she wasn't fluent in the salarian language.

As soon as they saw that the vial contained the cure, the batarians completely ignored the assistant. So the guy ran away as fast as he could, and Jane's journal told her to tell Mordin about it when the mission was over.

* * *

After even more repetitive fights with krogan and vorcha, the team got to the fan room. There were two fans in total, each on one side of the room. Jane focused her gaze on a console in the middle, where she had to inject the cure and hope for the best. This would be easy.

At least, she thought so. Until she was covered in vorcha spittle. "YOU NO COME HERE!" the vermin roared, showering her with a breath that was so bad, it reminded her of Ambassador Udina. "WE SHUT DOWN MACHINES, BREAK FANS!"

"You know," Garrus said matter-of-factly, "we're living in what humans call the twenty-second century now. Showers do exist. As does tooth paste."

The vorcha stared at him for a moment, scratched his ugly head, and shrugged. "Shower?"

As if on cue, Saren pulled out his machine gun, aimed it at the vorcha, and laughed. "I'll give you a shower." He shoved a new heat sink into the gun. "A bullet shower, to be precise."

With a short burst of mass effect-propelled bullets, Saren turned the vorcha's ugly skull into delicious-looking Swiss cheese. "Say cheese." the ex-Spectre snarled, popping the gun's heat sink once again. "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of-"

"Saren, shut up!" Jane and Garrus yelled in unison.

Saren sighed and holstered his machine gun again. "Hasta la vista, beh-beh." he impersonated Ahnold. "Ah'll be back."

* * *

The console was easy to find, and then all Jane had to do was inject the cure and turn on the fans. Too bad there were too many enemies for her to even get to the fan controls. Jane turned on her Tech Armor for the first time in…well, forever, seeing as it hadn't been an ability in Mass Effect 1. She looked at herself in a reflective piece of metal. Damn, this made her look fat.

Ignoring her sudden obesity for a moment, Jane ran through one of the hallways to the nearest fan control. The sudden weight she had gained by activating the Tech Armor ability allowed her to kill enemies by just walking into them. She ordered Saren and Garrus to switch to their sniper rifles for easier targeting, while she herself grabbed her trusty Arc Projector once again. The weapon delivered shocks that, when aiming correctly, could take out an entire enemy strike team at once. In the correct hands, at least. But you know the saying; don't ever give a heavy weapon to an idiotic commander. Wait, you don't know that saying? Well, bad luck for you, I guess.

Jane's enthusiastic shocking overloaded the room's fans, making them turn extremely fast. Normally, this wouldn't have been a bad thing, but with crappy space fans, it was. For the mercs. Because when those fans overloaded, they started sucking all mercs in, decorating the room with blood and guts in all colors of the rainbow. Jane, Garrus, and Saren, due to their status as main characters of this story, were unharmed.

When the bloodbath was over, Jane put the cure in the console, tuned the fans back to normal speed, and left the room along with her two turian buddies. Saren couldn't resist yelling a quick "Tonight, you dine in hell!" on the way back, though.

* * *

When the amazing trio got back to Mordin's clinic, the doctor's cowardly assistant was already there. Mordin sat next to him, discussing his departure from Omega and how he was going to bed Jane as soon as he got on the Normandy. True, Jane was imagining the last part…but still.

"Shepard." Mordin stood up, and gave her the same half-assed salute he gave her before she had left to turn on those blasted fans. "Thank you for rescuing Daniel, my assistant. Forgot to tell you he disappeared. Didn't want to burden you."

Daniel shook his head. "I still can't believe you didn't kill those batarians, Shepard."

Mordin nodded in agreement. "Risky. Would have killed them myself."

"But professor," Daniel whined, "you're a doctor, you believe in helping people!"

"Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal people, sometimes execute dangerous criminals. Have to go, Daniel. Think about what I said."

Daniel, unable to grasp the doctor's incredibly badass philosophy, ran away like the coward he was.

Mordin turned to Jane, stuffed his stethoscope and a beach ball in a large bag, and slung it around his shoulder.

"You are Cerberus." He frowned, then smiled again. "Will help you as much as I can, Shepard. Pretty good at fighting. Can also provide sexual advice if needed. Have documents on human/turian and human/salarian relationships. Come see me on your ship, would like to talk to you for a bit."

* * *

**A/N: The epicness that is Mordin knows no boundaries. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! :D**


	8. Citadel Hijinks

**A/N: This chapter will make your head explode. It's just SO bad. Yeah. BE PREPARED FOR THE ANDERSON LOVE SCENE! **

* * *

**(LOCATION: NORMANDY SR-2, MESS HALL)**

***JANE and MIRANDA are sitting at the mess hall table***

**JANE: **Okay, seems like we got our first question.

_"Dear whole team,_

_Why does Shepard only take two of her squadmates with her on missions? Is it Cerberus protocol?_

_Yours,  
Tactical Genius"_

**MIRANDA: **Before Shepard tracked down Mordin, I asked her the same thing. She replied by saying me and Jacob would only "obstruct the glorious view of two full moons", or something like that.

**JANE:** I thought you'd know metaphors for turian asses, Miranda.

**MIRANDA: **Whatever. This time, you're taking me with you, no matter what.

**JANE: **Why?

**MIRANDA: **We're going to the Citadel. I have to pick up a package. A biotic god, or something. Can't wait.

* * *

"It's good to be back on the Citadel." said Garrus, hopping out of the Normandy right behind Jane, Miranda, Mordin and Saren. "Haven't been here in ages."

Jane raised her eyebrows. "The security's just as crappy as it was before I died. The place looks a lot shinier, though. Must be because of the better graphics."

The squad passed through a few doors before arriving at the security checkpoint, where a turian was doing…well, anything _but_ security checks. "I love Galaxy of Fantasy." he exclaimed. "It's so epic. My level 10.000 turian Arcane-Hyper-Mecha-Death-Chicken Warrior can crush literally EVERYTHING in one hit!" He turned off his omnitool as soon as he noticed Jane standing in front of him with a pissed off face. "I-I'm sorry, ma'am."

Jane's expression softened. "It's okay, hot stuff. Just let us through."

The turian nodded before pressing a few buttons on the console in front of him. He blinked his eyes, shook his head in disbelief, and turned to Jane again.

"I'm sorry, ma'am." he repeated. "Our scanners are picking up false readings. They seem to think you're…uh…dead." He shot a quick glance at Saren. "_And_ they seem to think one of your companions is a man who tried to destroy the entire galaxy with his geth."

"Oh, this?" Jane pointed at Saren. "This is my life-size animatronic Saren doll. It's pretty realistic, isn't it? It's got a lot of…_assets_."

"May I suggest speaking to my captain about this matter? I have to get back to my game – uh, work." the turian replied, switching on his omnitool again. Jane rolled her eyes, shrugged, and headed through the door.

Captain Bailey was chugging coffee and eating donuts, like he did every day. His fellow C-Sec cops always whined that he ate too much, that he was obese: he, of course, responded by holding out his hand in the shape of a gun and miming the act of shooting whoever said it. Cops didn't take this well, especially the turian ones: they would go to Executor Chellick to complain that Bailey was "fingerbanging" them. So far though, no action had been taken. In fact, Bailey's kind of "fingerbanging" had become so popular on the Citadel that even the executor himself was eventually caught doing it to other people.

The human captain shoved what remained of the jelly donut in his mouth when he noticed five people had entered his office while he was daydreaming about fingerbanging people. Two human women, two turian males, and a salarian male. Bailey recognized one of the humans as Commander Shepard, the woman who had saved the galaxy two years ago. She wasn't wearing combat armor today, however. Instead, she was wearing what looked like a souvenir t-shirt from the turian homeworld Palaven that had a picture of an almost-naked male turian and a fully clothed human girl on it with the text "_We Could Test Your Reach, And My Flexibility_" scribbled under it. One of her turian companions, a guy with blue face-paint, had a similar image emblazoned on his broken armor, with a lot of human girls surrounding a male turian instead of just a turian/human couple. The text was different, too. "_My Reach Brings All the FemSheps To The Yard_"? What was that supposed to mean? Bailey shrugged. He didn't know, and he didn't care.

"I'm Commander Shepard. Your scanners seem to think I'm dead." Shepard snarled, ramming her fist down on his desk. "I demand that you give me back my passport…or something. Or I'm going to throw a tantrum." She pouted. "And you do _not_ want me to throw a tantrum."

"Believe me," the turian with the blue face markings added, "you _really_ don't."

"Okay, let me just press this big red button right here, and…" Bailey turned on the security console with a groan. "This is illegal, you know."

Shepard folded her arms. "No sweat. I've done things with Garrus here that are practically illegal in Council space too, and I haven't been caught for that…_yet_." She pointed at the blue-faced turian, presumably the Garrus she was talking about. "I think I've made my point."

Bailey rolled his eyes, pressed a few buttons, and in two seconds, Shepard had her passport back. "You're safe, Shepard." he said. "Now get out of my sight."

Shepard nodded, beckoned for her party to follow her, and ran out of the room.

* * *

When the squad finally entered the Wards, they split up in several groups. Miranda went off on her own, saying that she had to speak to a Cerberus contact on the Citadel; Shepard and Saren ran off to see the Council, leaving a confused Mordin together with Garrus.

"Officer Vakarian, Shepard has left us." the salarian said dryly, scratching his single horn. "What do we do?"

"I don't know." Garrus replied. "What do you _usually_ do when you're bored?"

"I check out valuable data, find cures for diseases, and–"

"Boring." Garrus yawned. "Let's go get ice cream or something."

* * *

Meanwhile, Councilor Anderson was having what could be described as the worst day of his life. Not only had the turian Councilor called off their date for that night due to important business (and it was going to be so romantic! Candles, vids, hell, he had even made the bed!), but Anderson had also received news about Shepard's alleged return to the Citadel. In fact, Anderson thought Shepard's return was the very reason that his manly turian Councilor boyfriend had decided to cancel their little "meeting".

Just as Anderson rammed his fist down on his desk and got ready to scream in utter agony, the door opened with a hiss and familiar arms wrapped around his waist. Damn, speaking of the devil…

"Feeling frustrated, Councilor Anderson?" a voice he knew all too well moaned huskily into his ear. All Anderson could do was sigh and nod as his anger was instantly replaced by pleasure beyond belief. A tongue lapped at his cheek, sharp teeth nipped softly at his ear, and three-fingered hands unfastened the buttons on his uniform. Anderson couldn't help but let out a small moan and toss his head back as the tongue of his turian lover traveled lower, dragging over his exposed flesh, tasting him…

"But…but what about the important business you had to attend to?" the human Councilor finally managed to pant. The turian broke off his ministrations, cupped Anderson's cheeks with both of his hands, and pressed his jaw against the other man's quivering lips.

"Business can wait. Right now, I want _you_."

The human opened his mouth to ask yet another question, and the turian Councilor used (or was it abused?) this moment of vulnerability to slip his tongue into Anderson's mouth, and tangled the ex-captain's tongue with his, just like he had done so many times before. A welcome intrusion if there ever was one. Conveniently forgetting about the anaphylactic shock frenching a turian could cause, Anderson kissed back.

And then the door opened yet again, and Shepard walked in, a big grin on her face. "Anderson!" she exclaimed. "It's good to see – _oh_." Her eyes widened as she examined the grisly scene in front of her. "This isn't what it looks like!" Anderson yelled, fastening his uniform's buttons while the turian Councilor backed away from him. "We were just…_playing a game_. You see–"

Shepard held her hand up to silence him. "Anderson, do you have _any idea _what this could do to our readers? Their minds may be permanently scarred now, or worse!" She frowned. "And I'm not paying the psychiatrist bills for them."

"The narrator made me do it!" the turian Councilor chimed in. "I'd never–"

"Ah yes, '_the narrator_'." Shepard cut him off. "The one allegedly writing this story down on a crappy computer. I've dismissed those claims! There isn't enough evidence to support what you're saying!"

"But it's _true_!"

Saren walked into the room, holding a gun pointed at Anderson. "Is there something going on in here, Shepard?"

Wait, SAREN? What was HE doing here!

"There was. I stopped it, though."

Both Councilors' jaws dropped.

"SAREN IS ALIVE?"

* * *

_Meanwhile, in a shop elsewhere on the Citadel…_

Miranda hated her jumpsuit. She didn't know why the Illusive Man insisted on having her walk around in nothing but flimsy skintight clothing while she was fighting a real war. But he was her boss, and this was Cerberus protocol. Without him, she wouldn't have a job. So she just went along with whatever he ordered her to do, which included wearing skintight jumpsuits. Hell, even Mordin was more appropriately dressed, and he wore a bloody lab coat. Miranda was just lucky her ass had its own kinetic shields, otherwise she'd be dead already.

And when the order came to pick up a package on the Citadel, she had accepted. How couldn't she? She was practically stuck to the Illusive Man – he was the only thing keeping Oriana away from her father.

Oriana.

Miranda sighed. She was glad Oriana didn't have to walk around in skintight outfits. Wherever her sister was now, she was probably having a better day than her. Just the idea of being locked up in a ship full of incompetent fools – Miranda was sure Oriana wouldn't be able to handle it, even if their genetic codes were exactly the same. That, and there could only be one Sailor Uranus. Even if Oriana had combat skills, Warp, and Overload, Miranda still had her Magical Sailor Superhero powers. And a gigantic mech-crushing ass, which Oriana obviously lacked.

Miranda's gaze shifted from the shop counter to some random volus who was standing right next to her. Was this her contact? The Illusive Man said she just had to pick up some stuff for him, not bring yet another social reject on the Normandy! The Cerberus operative facepalmed like she had never done before.

"Hi." said the volus. "Err…my name is.." He took a deep breath. "Cal. Niftu Cal. I am your contact, Earth-clan."

It took a while for Miranda to remember the name, but then she realized she was talking to a celebrity! The galaxy-famous Biotic God! Oh, how she had hoped to gain his autograph when she was young. According to the vids, the Biotic God was the strongest biotic in the entire known galaxy. He could rip people apart at molecular level with a single thought, make short work of powerful asari commandos, and even went toe-to-toe with an entire turian platoon! This was an amazing opportunity to finally take the picture she had always wanted!

"The Biotic God?" Miranda exclaimed. "Crikey! I watched all of your vids, including that nasty vid with the asari and the whipped cream. Amazing!" She clapped her hands together. "I'm your biggest fan, Cal! Are you joining the Normandy crew to fight the Collectors?"

"Yes." Cal wheezed after a long period of silence. "But I will have to take my leave when we reach Illium, as plot requires me to do so." He made a short comical bow. "My biotic abilities are at your disposal, Earth-clan."

* * *

"Officer Vakarian, what is your relationship with Commander Shepard?"

Garrus and Mordin sat at a table in the Dark Star Lounge, a shady little club in the Citadel wards. There were many people on the dancefloor, all obviously drunk, yet no one seemed to care. In fact, Garrus thought he and Mordin were the only ones who did. The salarian was currently slurping his coffee like a madman. Not only that, but he also asked Garrus intrusive questions that were best left unanswered, but the turian answered them anyway.

"We're friends. Good friends."

Mordin put his coffee cup down on the table and frowned. "Don't believe you."

"Well, it's the truth. Unless you read those really extreme fanfics on the extranet where…" Garrus paused and blinked. "…I jump on her and we're all like "OH MY GOD GARRUS/SHEPARD, I TOTALLY WANT YOU!"…But no, I think she just wants to be friends."

"Do _you_ just want to be friends?"

Garrus shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, if she'd ask me if I'd like to…_blow off steam with her_, I'd say yes, but I'm afraid I might…poison her or something."

"Have studied Shepard's expressions, her body language. Seems interested in you."

"She still has to do my loyalty mission." Garrus hung his head low. "And I don't want to complicate things for us."

"Loyalty mission really needed to pursue successful relationship?"

"Well, I guess not, but–"

"Go for it. Might regret not making decision otherwise."

"Hmm, I just might do that. You know, Mordin, you're a pretty nice guy. For a salarian."

"Happy to help. Just don't let her ingest."

* * *

Jane was having a very hard time convincing the Council that Reapers did, in fact, exist, and that they were, in fact, planning to kill all organic life if they wouldn't be stopped. The Council, proving their epic douchebaggery yet again, continued to force their opinions about how Reapers were "geth technology" and how Saren had persuaded them all with his nonexistent charisma. Even though Saren dismissed their claim right back by saying that Sovereign had practically mind-controlled him. Anderson was the only one willing to believe Jane, if only because she was blackmailing him with his little "turian Councilor" scandal.

"…BioWare made this game series, so they're partially to blame for the Reaper invasion." Saren finished, folding his arms.

The turian Councilor stared at her long and hard, and then shook his head. "Ah yes, 'BioWare'." he chuckled, apparently taking extreme delight in mentally torturing Jane with his stupidity. "The game company allegedly owned by EA that allegedly owns our sorry asses. We have dismissed those claims!"

The asari Councilor facepalmed. "Shepard, if we give you back your Spectre status, will you leave?"

"Uhh…yes?"

"You're a Spectre now, Shepard. Get lost."

"What about Saren?"

"He can die, for all I care."

The comm terminal shut down, and Jane and Saren were alone again.

"Let's go." Saren said, heading out of the door.


	9. The Convict Part One: Warden Douchebag

**A/N: All I can say is that I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter done. **

**

* * *

**

**(LOCATION: NORMANDY SR-2, MESS HALL)**

**JANE: Hey everyone, and welcome to another installment of "Ask the Squad!", where we answer all of your silly questions about us and this story.**

**JOHN: We have received quite a bit of letters lately, Jane.**

**JANE: Yes, yes we—Wait, who ARE YOU?**

**JOHN: I'm you. Well, the male version of you. According to fanfic, my favorite things are making sweet love to Tali and being a big badass space marine.**

**JANE: You can't be me! I'm way more awesome than you!**

**JOHN: Pff. You don't even get mentioned in the Mass Effect ads.**

**JANE: I have more alien romances than you! Hell, I even have FOUR optional lesbian romances!**

**JOHN: Well, I've got—wait, WHAT?**

**JANE: Liara, the asari consort, Morinth and Kelly. Samara doesn't count, since she doesn't really want you.**

**JOHN: That's too bad. My gay romance with Kaidan got cut, as did my gay romances with Thane and Garrus. It's funny, because there are still some dialogue files that reference just those romances. Like me saying "I'm not screwing Garrus.", for example.**

**JANE: My lesbian romances with Jack, Miranda and Tali got cut too. It's just like you said, some of the dialogue's still there, but—**

**JOHN: ALL THREE? WHAT THE-*ahem* Let's get on with the questions, shall we?**

**JANE: Okay, male-me from a different dimension! Bring it on!**

**JOHN: Question 1!**

_Dear Shepard:_

_What do you think about the voice actor for MShepard, Mark Meer?_

_Yours truly:_

_Mass Effect Voice Actor #432_

**JANE: Meh, he sounds really monotonous. Like he's some kind of robot without emotions. **

**JOHN: I'M SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!**

**JANE: Oh, shut up, you big robotic monotonous baby. Question 2!**

_Shepard!_

_Since I spent a shitload of money bringing you back *cough*, your motivations concern me. Which do you like more, your Paragon or Renegade interrupts?_

_Your Boss:_

_TIM_

**JANE: I'm a complete Paragon…as long as there's no Renegade interrupt where I can squeeze a male alien's ass. And in this story, those pop up a lot.**

**JOHN: *cough* Xenophile! *cough***

**JANE: Stop whining and go make sweet love to Tali or something!**

**JOHN: *cough* Mordinmancer! *cough***

**JANE: I bet Mordin's better in bed than you are!  
**

**JOHN: But he doesn't even have a—**

**JANE: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MORDIN'S CLOACA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! QUESTION 3!**

_Shepard-Commander:_

_We think this crappy geth platform could be useful to you. Proper Cannon does not allow you to recruit us until the end of the game. Could you recruit us sooner?_

_Logging out:_

_Annonymous Geth_

**JANE: Taking a geth aboard our ship would be a heavy risk…**

**JACOB: …but the priiize…isn't worth it, Shepard. I've seen enough of those things on Eden Prime. I say space it.**

**MIRANDA: Or sell it to the Illusive Hottie for a few credits. And afterwards, John, you can admire my genetically engineered body all night long…mmm…crikey, my cameltoe's showing again!**

**JOHN: Geth are awesome! Take it on your team, Jane!**

**JANE: …Maybe. I'll see what Xysnei can do.**

**GARRUS: Those were all the questions, right?**

**JANE: Yep. We're done. Now let's go and pick up Jack before dinner.**

**JOHN: Can I come with you?**

**JANE: Go back to your own universe.**

**JOHN: Okay…for now. Keep asking questions, dear reviewers! Good luck with watching that stuck-up Mordin-loving xenophilic bitch save humanity!**

**JANE: I heard that!**

**JOHN: *in complete monotone* I should go.**

***JOHN wanders off***

**JOHN: Oh, Taaaaaaaaliiiiiiiii! Where aaaaaaaaare yooooooooou?**

***JOHN bumps into WREX***

**WREX: Shepard.**

**JOHN: Wrex.**

**WREX: Shepard.**

**JOHN: Wrex.**

**WREX: Shepard.**

**JOHN: Wrex.**

**WREX: Shepard.**

**JOHN: *in complete monotone* I should go.**

**WREX: Shep-DAMN IT, YOU RUINED THE MEME!**

**ZAEED: That takes me back…**

**JANE: START WITH THE GODDAMN STORY ALREADY!**

**

* * *

**

Purgatory was a big ship. A prison ship. A ship full of big, bad boys who probably hadn't seen a woman in months, perhaps even years. Jane wasn't exactly looking forward to going there to pick up Jack, but Garrus assured her that he'd stay in front of her to keep her…distracted. Of course, Jane immediately lightened up at the thought of looking at Garrus' wonderful ass yet another day, and so she decided to set a course for Purgatory immediately. Boarding the ship with her besides Garrus were Niftu Cal (the volus had insisted on it, claiming that he needed to get away from a lusty Miranda for a few hours) and Mordin (albeit reluctantly, as krogan prisoners would be drawn to his flexibility). Saren chose not to join them for this mission because he wanted to practice his Clint Eastwood impression a bit more. Perfectly understandable, considering the circumstances. After all, they would need a powerful comic relief character in the days to come.

The turian warden of the prison greeted them heartily as soon as they set foot on the ship. He was one of the few turians without facial markings Jane had seen so far, and his Blue Suns armor contrasted heavily with his brown face-plate and skin. Jane felt his green eyes inspect her closely before he finally spoke. "Good day, my friends!" he roared, pushing past Garrus. "I am Warden Kuril, and welcome to Murderers 'R Us, for all your psychopathic needs! Want someone dead? Why, we have a fine selection of killers available. And, if you're interested, there's a sale on biotics this month! Can you believe it?"

"I'm here for Jack." Jane said, holding up the Cerberus Network pass she'd gotten when she bought Mass Effect 2. It gave her instant access to lots of free DLC; something she absolutely adored. In fact, she'd spent lots of BioWare points to buy all sorts of things, like the Alternate Appearance Pack. "Give her to me." She stared at the turian's handsome features a bit more before adding "…you hot devil." Kuril was positively surprised.

The warden glanced at the orange piece of plastic for a moment, reaching out to take it in one of his hands. "Hmm, interesting," he muttered to no one in particular. "Have you bought Kasumi yet?"

Jane smiled. She'd bought Kasumi a few days ago, but she had forgotten to pick her up at the Citadel when she was there in Chapter 9.

"Yes," she finally said, taking the pass back from Kuril. "Now, let's get back to the reason I'm here…Jack. Subject Zero. I'm here to take her with me."

The only things Jane had heard about Jack so far were that she was an extremely violent woman who could crush even the most complicated of mechs like tin foil with her biotics, and that she barely wore any clothes. Everyone seemed quite sure that the convict would fit in just fine. After all, each squad member she'd recruited so far was criminally insane. A Kanye West impersonator, a genetically engineered ice queen whose breasts and ass were the biggest things she added to the team, a turian omnicidal maniac who'd tried to kill her in the past (but who'd still managed to look amazingly sexy while doing so), a singing, sex advice-giving doctor who had probably killed more people in his live than he'd healed, a Miranda-loving biotic volus with an illusion of godhood, and her old friend Garrus, who had pretty much gone off the deep end in the two years she had spent dead. Even though she'd pushed him in the Paragon direction in Mass Effect 1. Oh well, he still had that amazing ass that's mentioned in just about every chapter. And those scars! Jane still visited him in the main battery whenever she could, even though he was busy calibrating the ship's main gun all the time. Now, getting back to the story, since I've already wasted too much time on Jane's xenophillia…

"Ah, _that_ package!" Kuril cried loudly, the sound of his sexy flanging voice sending shivers down Jane's spine. "Pick her up at Outprocessing."

"Nobody tells me what to do," snarled an angry Garrus, wiggling a talon at the deranged prison warden. "I'm a REBEL. That gives me a free pass to disagree with what EVERYONE says and snipe my OWN way through life."

Kuril drawled on as if he hadn't heard Garrus. "But you will have to relinquish your weapons before you go, Commander. There are certain…safety regulations that have to be upheld."

"Unusual pupil dilation suggests that the warden is lying, Shepard," Mordin commented. "Obviously a trap."

Behind him, Niftu Cal made a short 'hmpf' sound, as if he agreed with what Mordin had just said.

"He's also barefaced, Shepard," Garrus explained, pointing at the warden's obvious lack of face paint. "If you've read what the Codex says on turians, which I know you have, since you managed to name all turian erogenous zones without a problem during dinner last night, you should also know that the turian term "barefaced" refers to someone who can't be trusted. Or politicians. Oh well, it's the same thing."

"I'm sorry, guys," Jane said, visibly trying to resist the urge to pinch the warden's ass. "But I have to fall for this amazingly stupid trap to advance the plot." She turned back to the warden and gave him her cutest smile, which always seemed to work on turians. "I think you owe me some necessary exposition first, Kuril. Why did you start Purgatory? What do you do here? And why do you sound _exactly _like Saren?"

Kuril faked a laugh and started pacing around. "I suppose that's fair. I'm an NPC, after all. That means I have to answer all of your questions, however intrusive they may be. Hold on a second." He turned to one of the guards. "I'm sure we can handle three armed guests. Don't mess this up." He faced Jane again, cocked his head slightly and forced a grin. Or something that looked like a grin, anyway. Jane could never tell with turians.

"I was on Palaven," he began, obviously looking in Garrus' direction. Of course, Garrus came from Palaven too. "There, I grew tired of criminals constantly escaping. So…" He gestured to the prison around him. "…I got myself this place. In space, no criminal can ever escape. And it earns me some money, too."

"How?"

He chuckled. "I sell criminals to the highest bidder, of course."

* * *

When the group arrived at Outprocessing, Kuril was there to greet them once again, the fake grin still etched upon his face as he tried to lead them into an empty cell.

"You're worth to me more as a prisoner than as a customer, Shepard," he growled. "Drop your weapons and proceed into the cell. You and your friends will not be harmed."

"You want to imprison me?" Jane asked, then smiled seductively as she brushed the back of her hand along the warden's shoulder. "You are one kinky turian, you know that?"

M. Night Shyamalan walked in to say "WHAT A TWIST!", then left again.

"Told you he would betray us," Mordin remarked dryly.

"Great, a slave trader," Garrus sighed. "You know, the more I talk to you, the more I look forward to shooting you in the head at the end of this mission."

Within two seconds, Kuril had lifted Garrus up by his collar and slammed him against the nearest wall, breathing furiously as he drew his Revenant machine gun and pointed it at the younger turian's throat.

"You…you…" He paused, his breathing growing harder with every second. "You dare speak that way to your superior, kid?"

Garrus didn't seem bothered by Kuril's sudden outburst. "I wouldn't exactly call a slave trader NPC my superior, but I'll allow you your simple fantasies."

And with that, Garrus kicked the warden in the balls so hard it sent him crashing into the opposite wall, sending several guards flying in the process. Clasping his family jewels to keep them safe from any other attacks that might follow, Kuril made a silent gesture for the guards to capture Jane and her squad, who took this as a cue to grab their weapons.

A turian guard wielding a standard-issue combat knife came at them first. He managed to get in one vertical swipe before Jane disarmed him with her biotics and emptied an entire thermal clip of pistol shots into his skull.

Mordin was clearly having fun in battle, incinerating Blue Suns left and right, freezing them and then shattering them with one well aimed punch, and even jabbing an average doctor's syringe in one's head.

Niftu Cal wasn't entirely useless in battle, either. Using his powerful biotic abilities, he sent a Blue Suns merc to his untimely demise by throwing him into Mordin's line of – literal – fire.

Garrus had chosen to fight the warden one-on-one, hand-to-hand. They were evenly matched, and constantly blocked and evaded each other's punches, holds, and kicks. Well, up until Garrus managed to tackle Kuril to the floor.

"Too many of them!" Mordin shouted to the others, punching a prison guard in the face as he did so. "Survival highly unlikely! Have to escape!"

"Kuril's unconscious!" Garrus yelled back. "If we're going to make a break for it, we have to do it now!"

"That way!" Jane pointed down the hallway, to a sign that read "Cryo Chambers". "Jack's probably somewhere around there!"

* * *

They ran for what seemed like hours through the hamster tubes Purgatory was known for, trying to find the cell door controls so they could set Jack free. When they finally got to a spot that seemed devoid of any vicious guards and mercs, they finally stopped to catch their breath. Garrus loaded up his omnitool to scan the area, while Jane, Mordin and Cal sat down against the wall, their labored breathing echoing throughout the tube.

"There's a small squad of batarians up ahead," Garrus noted, looking at the map of the ship his omnitool had given him. "They're carrying heavy weapons. Facing them directly would be suicide, but the four of us wouldn't be able to sneak past them either. " He scratched his forehead, lost in thoughts for a brief moment. "We're going to have to distract them. But how?"

"Turn on a vid made by Uwe Boll or something," Jane suggested. "That's bound to make them lose their mind."

Cal let out a heavy, drawn out sigh. "I..." he breathed in, "...hated..." he took another, deeper breath, "…House of the Dead."

"Might be able to distract them by singing."

"I don't think turning on Lady GaGa music will send them running away in terror, Mordin."

"I have a really nice Poker Face parody I wrote ages ago," Jane chuckled. "Want me to sing it for you?"

"Well, this story is a parody, isn't it?" Garrus groaned, sitting down next to her. "And we have nothing better to do with **Kuril freaking breathing down our necks**, anyway. Okay, Shepard. Shoot ahead."

"Okay, here it goes!"

* * *

_Mum mum mum mah  
Mum mum mum mah_

_I wanna do him like I do the humans, please  
Kiss him, let him love me , rub his claws all over me (OW, damn it!)  
While I'm busy playing I sure hope I have good luck  
'Cause I really don't want to get a-na-phyl-ac-tic shock_

_So_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-ohh-oh-oh  
He's good in bed, but like Mordin said…  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-ohh-oh-oh  
He's good in bed, but like Mordin said…_

_Can't ingest, can't ingest  
No I can't ingest Garrus' stuff  
(even though it tastes like Mountain Dew)  
Can't ingest, can't ingest  
No I can't ingest Garrus' stuff  
(even though I kinda want to)_

_G-G-G-Garrus' stuff, G-G-Garrus' stuff  
(mum mum mum mah)  
G-G-G-Garrus' stuff, G-G-Garrus' stuff  
(mum mum mum mah)_

_

* * *

_

Before Jane could sing another note, Garrus clasped his hand over her mouth. "Stop singing, Shepard. You're giving away our position…and you're not good at singing."

Jane pouted. "I'd like to see you do better, Vakarian. Anyway, I've got a plan to take those batarians out. Listen…"

* * *

Jane stepped around the corner of the hallway, having just switched her armor for a very skimpy dress they'd found in one of the empty cells. Thanks to the fact that all women in Mass Effect share roughly the same height and size, she could wear it without any problem whatsoever.

There was the batarian squad, just like Garrus had said. There were three men, all armed to the teeth with heavy weapons. If she made the slightest mistake, they'd kill her without mercy. Jane scoffed. This was going to be _so _easy.

"Oh, _boys_!" she called them, slowly approaching them, the sound of her high heels touching the metal grating beneath her reverberating through the nearly empty hamster tube. The batarians, stupid as they were, approached her, too, and eventually they came to a standstill in the middle of the long tube. She beckoned them to come even closer, which they did. One of them wolf-whistled at her, the others remained silent.

"Could you please help this poor prisoner get back to her cell?" she practically moaned, leaning against one's chest with her shoulder. "Pretty please?"

The batarian gasped, and he exchanged looks with the others. "This one's hot," he breathed. "Let's bring her back with us, boys."

This was the moment Jane had been waiting for. She touched the batarian's cheek with one hand and leaned in even closer, until their faces were barely an inch apart.

"Oh, do I turn you on?" she whispered, putting up her best act ever. "Do I make you feel…_hot_?"

The batarian could do nothing but nod. "Very hot," he panted. "Hotter than a summer day on Tuchanka."

"I can make you feel even hotter…" Jane said, struggling not to laugh out loud at the sound of her own voice, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"How?" he barked, ignoring the others around him.

"You'll see." Jane kissed his cheek, smiled up at him, and then pushed him away. "Mordin, let it rip!"

First, the batarian's armor caught fire. The other batarians immediately reached for their weapons, but found them unable to fire. Garrus had used the temporary distraction Jane had caused to use Overload on them.

The first batarian was screaming now, flailing his arms about wildly as he was slowly burnt to a crisp. While the two other batarians were still trying to figure out why their weapons didn't work, Jane loaded a thermal clip into the pistol she had previously held concealed.

The guards finally figured out why their weapons refused, and decided to take Jane on with their fists, which was obviously a bad move. She dodged one punch by stepping aside gracefully, then avoided another by simply ducking. Her laughter mixed with the first batarian's final screams. "You're going to have to try better than that if you want to beat me!"

"She's fast," one of the batarians commented.

"Shouldn't we call for backup?" said the other, throwing another punch that missed Jane by a long shot.

"And say that we're getting our asses kicked by a girl in a skimpy dress? No, thanks. I'd rather not live the rest of my life in shame."

"That's too bad." Jane's grin grew wider as she swept his legs away from under him with a single kick. "You should've listened to him when you still had the chance." She fired a single bullet that splattered his brain all over the metal grating. "How does that asari saying go? Embrace eternity? Well, you just embraced it, pal." She sighed. The cliché lines weren't nearly as fun without Saren around.

In her carelessness, the only batarian left had managed to knock her pistol out of her hands, this time with a well-aimed punch that caused her to lose her balance and fall to the floor.

"One batarian left," she heard Garrus say over the radio. "Want me to snipe him for you, Shepard?"

"Garrus!" she yelled back, rolling away from the freshly-killed headless batarian corpse as the last guard began using his armored feet to attack her. If one of his stomps connected, it'd shatter her bones, and that would be the end of her. "Where are you!"

The guard had picked up her pistol. He chuckled as he aimed it at her head, almost pulling the trigger—

"I'm right behind you, Shepard. I always am."

Jane could only hear the familiar sound of a bullet flying right over her head, and the sickening sound it made as it connected with the final guard's head. Jane tried to stand up, covered in blood from tip to toe.

"Need help, Shepard?"

A three-fingered hand reached out to pull her up. She took it, and in two seconds, she was standing on her feet again, good as new.

"Thanks, Garrus. For…being there."

"No problem, Shepard. I'll be there if you need me."

Man, those are some incredibly cheesy lines.

"Where's my armor?"

"Last time I saw it, Cal was dragging it along the floor."

Jane looked over Garrus' shoulder to see that he was speaking the truth. The volus was waddling towards them while carrying Jane's rusty N7 armor at the same time. He looked as if he would collapse any minute now.

"Let's go, Shepard," Garrus said, gesturing to the empty hallway in front of them. "Jack's down this hall. If we're fast, we can make it there without Kuril or his guards noticing us."

"Okay." Jane shot one glance at the batarian Mordin had fried at the start of the battle.

"Bet you've never felt _that_ hot, eh?"

* * *

**A/N: Hope you liked it!**


	10. The Convict Part Two: Jack in the Box

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, readers! I never thought so many people would actually like this, especially since I started this thing as more of a joke than anything. It's not as strong a parody as, say, Mock Effect, but it was never meant to be. I just wanted to see how far I could take OOC-ness and intentionally bad storytelling. I'm going to keep on writing and finish this before ME3 comes out, so why don't you hang on for the ride? :3**

**

* * *

**

**JANE: Hello everyone, and welcome to another god-awful episode of Fail for the Lost. I'm your host, Jane Shepard. **

**JOHN: So Jane, what's our plan for today?**

**JANE: Well, today we celebrate the fact that Fail for the Lost has gotten over 50 reviews. I love every reader out there. Keep reviewing, people! Every review counts!**

**JOHN: Counts towards what? **

**JANE: I thought you'd returned to your alternate reality in the last chapter?**

**JOHN: Nah, staying here is more fun. 'Sides, marrying Tali over and over and over gets old after a while.**

**JANE: Want to co-host "Ask the Squad!" with me again, John?**

**JOHN: Of course, my dear Jane. You know how much I love you.**

**JANE: Okay, with you practically being me, that sounds pretty creepy.**

**JOHN: What are we waiting for?**

**JANE: Oh yeah. Well, readers, we've received a lot of questions since the last chapter went online. **

**JOHN: QUESTION ONE!**

_Dear John Shepard,_

_What causes you to smile so creepily during Miranda's romance? I mean, it looks like you borrowed Garrus' pole and shoved it up your ass so hard it's physically hurting you. PLEASE find a way to smile better in Mass Effect 3._

_Love,_

_A Miranda-mancer._

**JOHN: MY SMILE ISN'T CREEPY! IT'S FASHIONABLE! EVERYBODY SMILES LIKE THAT NOWADAYS!**

**JANE: See, this is why I like being a FemShep. I don't get turned into a meme, because I'M VOICED BY JENNIFER HALE!**

**JOHN: Oh, stuff it.**

**JANE: Whatever, Mark Meer. Question 2!**

_Dear Commander Shepard_

_We've all noticed those new endorsements you've put up in and around Zakera Ward. While we appreciate your borderline obsessive compulsion for never buying goods at full price through any means necessary, we've also noticed a sharp rise in suicide rates in the Citadel after your ad campaign was introduced. The suicidees (is that the correct collective term?) sometimes leave refrences to your 'adverts' in their final notes. If memory serves, one particularly crazed (or dedicated) turian had written 'I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite store on the Citadel' all over his apartment walls, in his own blood, before topping himself._

_Therefore, in the interest of Citadel Security, I am inclined to request that you make a less shit ad. Maybe some kind of musical jingle with you, Garrus and Saren?_

_But no Gilbert and Sullivan._

_Thousands of lives may depend on this Shepard. Don't let me down._

_Regards_

_Captain Bailey- C-Sec_

**JANE: Wow, it's the guy we met in Chapter 9!**

**MORDIN: Yes, remember him. Strange man. Bit rude.**

**JOHN: Like Conrad Verner.**

**JANE: Okay, I have to admit, my methods of getting discounts may be a little extreme at times…**

**JOHN: You tried to seduce a salarian shopkeeper once…just to get a discount on a cheap upgrade for your biotic implants. A SALARIAN. FOR A CHEAP UPGRADE. A. FREAKING. SALARIAN. You know, those guys with a miniscule sex drive who kind of look like frogs?**

**JANE: Hey, he **_**did**_** end up giving me that discount. And he wasn't too bad either.**

**JOHN: You know what? You're every bad female stereotype all rolled into one.**

**JANE: Would you like some cheese with that whine?**

**JOHN: Worst. Joke. Ever.**

**JANE: I'd like to see you do better, bastard.**

**JOHN: Hey, at least I'm not going around the Citadel saying-**

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: MY STORE IS SHEPARD'S FAVORITE! BY THE WHEEL OF LIFE, LISTEN TO ME!**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: DAMN IT! MY STORE IS SHEPARD'S FAVORITE, YOU SALARIAN ASSHOLE! **

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: Hey, you think she just tricked us into giving her a discount?**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: THAT BITCH! I'LL WEAKEN HER INTEGRITY!**

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: I used to be part of the Special Tasks Group. I'm good at blowing things up. Let me help you!**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: Okay, you've got a deal, salarian. You remind me of my last bondmate, by the way. He was a salarian too…died a hundred years ago. Sad loss. I like salarians. They're just so smart and well-mannered. I'm sorry for calling you a…salarian asshole.**

***awkward silence***

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: …So…you like salarians, huh?**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: Yeah…hey, want to go out with me tonight?**

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: I don't think I'd be able to make it tonight. Got a lot of customers.**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: What about right now, then?**

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: Umm…**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: Come on, honey! It'll be fun! **

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: *sigh*…Okay. Let me close the store.**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: I love you.**

**SALARIAN SHOPKEEPER: Err…what?**

**ASARI SHOPKEEPER: Nothing. Let's go.**

***The SALARIAN and ASARI walk off-camera, hand in hand***

**JOHN: Well, that was pretty random.**

**JANE: And about the suicide rates-OH GOD, DID A TURIAN DIE? NO! NOT THE TURIANS! THEY'RE SO HOT AND MUSCULAR AND SEXY AND CUTE AND LOVEABLE AND…OH EM GEE! I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY! **

***JANE starts to cry***

**JOHN: You **_**do **_**know that there's a turian civil war going on right now? On Taetrus? Lots of turians dying?**

**JANE: I should read the Cerberus news more often…**

**JOHN: Yes, you really should.**

**JANE: And I'm thinking of a musical jingle…hmm…what about a Mass Effect version of Phantom of the Opera? Mordin can sing, and so can I! It could be a duet!**

***DUNDUNDUN***

**JANE: **

In his lab he sang to me  
To my ship he came  
The man who modified  
The genophage  
And do I romance again?

For now I find  
The doctor of the Normandy is there,  
Inside my mind

**MORDIN: **

Out of all doctors here  
I am the best  
Avoid all allergies  
And don't ingest  
Complications may occur  
But do not fret  
The doctor of the Normandy is there,

Next to your bed

**JANE: So, what do you think? It's not completely finished yet, but-**

**JOHN: I'll let the reviewers decide. QUESTION 3!**

_Dear Commander Shepard,_

_Attached to this small letter is a rather large parcel filled with the latest turian fashion armour from the turwalk. As a budding fashion designer for the turian military, could you make your two favourite turians wear it?_

_Yours sincerely,_

_The Fabulous Turian Fashion Designer_

**JANE: Okay, Garrus. What's in the box?**

**GARRUS: It's pink…and…fluffy….and fabulous! OMS! It even includes a pink visor! **

**JANE: …OMS?**

**GARRUS: Oh My Spirits…it's turian slang. **

**MORDIN: Hmpf. Slang juvenile. Inappropriate. Would never use it.**

**JOHN: Mordin, there was also an outfit for you. Seems like this guy wants to branch out to fashion design for other species.**

**MORDIN: SCIENCE BE DAMNED! Pink lab coat fits slender body perfectly! I am the very model of a fabulous salarian…**

**JOHN: Yeah, you go ahead and enjoy yourself, Mordin! WOOHOO!**

**JANE: And Saren, how's your outfit?**

**SAREN: Very aesthetically pleasing, my love. I especially fancy the frilly dress and the pink bow.**

**JANE: You heard it, Fabulous Turian Fashion Designer! Your outfits are just the thing my men need to boost their morale! By the way, would you be interested in sharing a drink with me later? You see, I'm currently single and I was wondering-**

**JOHN: QUESTION 4!**

_Dear Shepard,_

_Would you ever hook up with a female turian? Do you wonder where the turian women have gone?_

_Yours truly,_

_Re#c&*-(CORRUPTED_DATA)*-+_

**JOHN: Well, I'd certainly do.**

**JANE: This question wasn't meant for you, jackass.**

**JOHN: Oh well.**

**JANE: …According to canon, I'm bisexual, right? So if I say no, I'd be OOC, but if I say yes, people are going to pair me up with random female turians until all the blue blood comes out of my nose. And everyone knows that all turian women are getting their fringes done on Palaven.  
**

**JOHN: But Jane, people have already paired you up with female turians.**

**GARRUS: Including my ex. Man, that one was hot.**

**JANE: I…I think I'll pass on this one.**

**GARRUS: You don't know what you're losing out on, Shepard.**

**JANE: So…are we done with the questions?**

**JOHN: No, we've got two more. Written to Mordin. **

**MORDIN: Always happy to help with medical concerns.**

**JOHN: It'll have to wait until the end of the chapter.**

**JANE: You're right. Time to get out of Purgatory! Keep asking questions, dear reviewers!**

**

* * *

**

Aside from a few guards that could be easily dispatched with the shot of a pistol and the prisoners who remained perpetually locked up in their little cells, Purgatory was surprisingly empty. The Blue Suns had probably decided to regroup as well. Smart choice, Jane thought, considering her team had offed quite a few merc squads, and they weren't going to stop until they could find Jack and get the hell out of this dump.

Jane unholstered her pistol to reload it. The Carnifex Hand Cannon, or the "Ass-Blaster", as she endearingly called it, was one of the more useful weapons she had on her body right now. Her sniper rifle didn't work nearly as well up close (duh) and her SMG was an unreliable piece of Cerberus junk. When the new thermal clip was finally inserted and ready for use, she commanded her other squad members to ready their weapons too, but they were far too busy with infighting to notice her.

"I'm telling you, Mordin!" hissed Garrus, crossing his arms over his chest. "Your calculations are off! Jack's up ahead!"

"Nonsense." Mordin didn't even look up from the map that flickered on the holoscreen of his omnitool. "Jack is _that_ way." He pointed an artificial finger to yet another hallway, and Jane finally realized just why Warden Kuril was convinced that criminals would never be able to escape Purgatory. The place was a freaking labyrinth. The only thing it lacked was David Bowie.

"My suit's olfactory filters are malfunctioning," squeaked Niftu Cal. "Can you smell it?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" Garrus shifted his attention from Mordin to the volus. Turian faces weren't very expressive, but it almost looked like he was frowning. Oh, if looks could kill…Jane glanced at Mordin, whose omnitool made a faint beeping sound to signify the execution of yet another program. She casually strode over to him and cast a look over his shoulder.

"According to this information right here," she explained while wiggling a finger at Cal, "if we don't fix his olfactory filters right now, this entire place is going to smell like volus crap."

Garrus let out a soft growl, his mandibles clicking with anger. "So we're supposed to expose ourselves and risk our lives just to fix the suit of some guy we've only known for about two chapters? And here I thought we never did anything exciting. What's the next thing, Shepard - ah, Commander? Adopting orphaned baby krogan?"

"If we don't help him," Jane said, sitting down next to the salarian doctor, "his suit will explode and he will die…I guess."

"I'm sure the results won't be THAT dramatic if we don't help him." Garrus cocked his head and inhaled sharply. "It's just another badly thought out plot device that forces us to deviate from the mission objectives for the sake of comedy."

"Look." Jane holstered her pistol again and hunched forward. "There's no need to fight. We can just grab one of the ship engineers and force him to hand over his tools. Mordin fixes Cal's exosuit, and then we can go and find Jack." She raised an eyebrow questioningly. "How's that sound?"

Garrus shrugged in response. "That sounds simple enough…fine, I'm with you."

Niftu Cal gave the turian's knees a friendly elbow. "Oh, Palaven-clan," he snorted. "You are only agreeing with her because you want to see what's under her armor."

Garrus pulled his assault rifle from his back with one claw, simultaneously grabbing the volus by the neck with the other. "I swear, Cal…if you reference the poorly hidden sexual tension between me and Shepard one more time, I'll kick your ass."

Mordin gave him a quizzical look, and then returned to his scribbling.

* * *

_Prof. Dr. Mordin Solus' Autobiography_

_Suicide mission with Commander Shepard and crew, Day 5_

_Have been spending time studying and analyzing behavior of crew on Normandy. Noticed several disturbing character traits that may or may not prove dangerous in days to come._

_Commander Shepard_

_Read Commander Jane Shepard's psych profile; had to hack into operative Miranda Lawson's omnitool to gather data though. Sure she didn't notice. _

_Shepard is mentally unstable and possibly hazardous to entire Cerberus crew. Also shows all visible traits of Mary Sue-dom: naivety, shallowness, extreme beauty, lack of proper brain cells. However, cannot help but be enraptured by her smile, eyes shining like bright stars in night sky. Beautiful hair also major plus point. Falling in love instantly for the sole purpose of entertaining readers? Maybe. _

_Gunnery Officer Garrus Vakarian_

_Incredible OOC-ness suggests author negligence. Must be corrected for character to remain believable. Getting violent lately. _

_

* * *

_

There were several more characters he could write about, but since I've already made you wait for this chapter for quite some time, I guess I'll save those for a later date.

"Engineer nearby," Mordin said after bringing up the map on his omnitool's holoscreen again. "Turian. Thirty years old. Records show this is his last day working on this ship. Worked here for two months. Joined Blue Suns three months ago."

"Engineers usually have drones." Jane bit her lower lip. "And they can burn you to death."

"Turian, huh? He's probably spent a lot of time in the army, too," Garrus murmured, slicking his fingers over his Collector assault rifle before strapping it to his back again. "We'd better watch our back. Got any bright ideas?"

"You do know that there's _four_ of us, right?" Cal pointed out, inhaling and exhaling sharply with every word he said. "We could probably take him on with our bare hands."

Garrus' eyes narrowed.

"Or talons…claws," the volus added, then sighed. "Whatever."

"Think I have a plan!" Mordin exclaimed, tapping his chin with one of his long fingers. "Ah yes, brilliant plan."

* * *

Acheron Tahierix was happy with the way his life was heading. He'd just turned thirty, had an amazing home back on the Citadel and a breathtakingly beautiful mate _and_ an adorable daughter to share it with. Today was his kid's birthday, and he'd spent weeks with the Blue Suns just to save up for the General Partinax action figure she wanted. Tonight, when his shift was finally over, he'd catch a shuttle and leave the merc business for good. No more guns, knives and rocket launchers. No, this turian was going to make an honest living. The Citadel could always use another shop keeper. That business was booming, if Commander Shepard's recent reappearance and subsequent store raiding meant anything. Besides, he had had just about enough of working for Kuril. The guy would never give you a break. True, Acheron was guarding Jack, one of the most dangerous criminals in the Terminus Systems, but a guy has to eat sometimes, right? And it wasn't like Jack was going anywhere. The cryogenically frozen mass murderer could wait for a second. Right now, he had an icy cold Tupari and a ride home waiting for him.

He set his tools down on his work station and opened the small can that held the dextro version of his favorite refreshing drink, careful not to rip the can's weak metal with his sharp claws.

"You taking a break again?"

Spirits be damned, it was Bito. Just the last batarian Acheron wanted to meet right now.

"Yes. Yes I am," he retorted, wiping a bit of sweat off his browplates. "What's it to you?"

"Kuril doesn't like it when his men take breaks as often as you do." The batarian leaned against Acheron's work console, nearly knocking the holo of his daughter down. "It…irritates him." He flashed two rows of needle-like teeth.

"Kuril can kiss my scaly ass." Acheron stepped away from his console to look Bito straight in the eyes. "And so can you."

"Don't play smartass with me, _turian_." Bito raised a finger. "Or I'll - AGH!"

Before Bito could finish his threat, he was cut off rather abruptly by a sharp object seemingly impaling him from behind. Whatever was stuck in his back wriggled around a bit before leaving his body. It was a sickening sight, and when the batarian finally slumped over after a lot of gasping for air and thrashing in pain, his blood colored the metal grating a haunting red. Acheron dropped to the floor in shock.

"I'm not in the mood for a shish kebab today, dear sir," Bito's killer said, pointing a serrated knife at Acheron's throat. He sounded like he was possessed by something, but the guy was clearly a turian. True, by far the most intimidating person he'd ever seen in his life, but definitely a turian. "Salarian, take care of this one. Where is Shepard?"

"Go down hall. Take left turn. Shepard is there," came a voice from behind the mysterious turian. Was this the salarian he was talking about?

"I see." The turian simply turned and walked away, leaving Acheron behind with…yeah, it was definitely a salarian. A salarian who was slowly approaching him, pistol in hand. Acheron raised his hands in surrender.

"Do not intend to shoot you," the salarian said as he knelt down next to him and stowed away his pistol. "Doctor, not murderer. Only need your tools."

His voice was shaking, but Acheron finally managed to speak in understandable words. "Then why'd your friend kill the other guy?"

"Squad member suddenly appeared. Thought he was on ship. Our ship. Ran into him on the way here. Tends to get very violent very quickly." The salarian looked at the batarian's corpse in disgust, then launched up his omnitool. "Pointless waste of life."

"So if I give you my tools, can I go?"

The salarian opened and closed his mouth, pondering over what answer to give him. "Not now," he finally said, shaking his head. "Sorry."

"Why no-"

The salarian placed a hand on his neck, and the next thing Acheron felt was a painful sting starting in his claws and feet that slowly spread out over his entire body. He'd been taken down by a syringe. A spirits-damned needle.

"Oldest trick in book. Sleep well."

* * *

"God, Mordin! When I said "distract the guy so we can steal his tools", I didn't mean "stab him in the neck with a goddamn syringe"!"

Jane observed the horrible scene in front of her with a certain amount of coolness, like she'd learned from watching the CSI: Citadel vids. Of course, those vids had been way less boring than what she was currently doing. "And Saren killed yet _another _random person." She nudged a bloody batarian corpse with her foot. "It's not even a surprise anymore."

Saren tilted his head at her. "This punk doesn't feel lucky anymore."

Niftu Cal stared at the floor. "That reference is so obvious it isn't even funny."

"Turian engineer will wake up in ten minutes, do not worry," Mordin said, pointing at the seemingly lifeless shape that lay sprawled across the metal grating. "Was guarding console controlling Jack's cell. Had to temporarily subdue him. Killing him would make more sense, but couldn't do that. Don't know why."

Garrus tapped his right foot impatiently. "Let's just patch Cal's exosuit up and get going."

Mordin took one of the tools from the toolbox and shoved it in a compartment in the back of Niftu Cal's suit. He twisted it around, slashed a few loose wires and then finally closed the compartment again, smiling proudly. "Done."

"Okay." Jane stepped up to the console and held her hand right above the button that would unleash all sorts of hell on the ship.

"Shepard, if you press that button, every door on the cellblock opens." Garrus sounded worried.

"However, required if you want to get Jack out of cryo." Oh, Mordin with his helpful suggestions.

"We've wasted enough unnecessary fanfiction bandwidth with worthless filler material." Jane pushed the button. "Pull out your guns, I'm doing it."

"You've already done it," said Niftu Cal. "There is no need to be so dramatic."

"I can be dramatic whenever I want," Jane countered. "This is bad fanfiction, bitch!"

"Yes, it is indeed bad. Part of my little volus mind still wonders just why the hell I signed up for this story."

"I'd love to engage in some more unnecessary dialogue, but I have a Jack to free."

The team watched almost helplessly as the cell was raised from the floor, revealing…

…a young, bald woman with tattoos all over and an amazingly bad fashion sense. Not that she wore any real clothes: she wore nothing other than a strange bra-like contraption made entirely out of belts and simple pants. Nothing more, nothing less. She was still frozen; a thin layer of ice coated her entire body.

"That's…Jack?" Niftu Cal sniggered. "I had expected her to be…taller. And a man."

"She kind of looks like that chick from Pitch Black," Jane remarked, observing the shackled biotic's every movement. "Maybe it's a reference?"

It took a few seconds for Jack to open her eyes. After that, it all happened in a flash. The criminal broke her restraints with ease and tore her cell open as if it was made out of cardboard. She wiped a few bits of ice off her face and stormed towards the helpless mechs guarding her. Jane heard a lot of noises before one mech hit the window in front of them, smashing it in completely.

"Smashed bulletproof glass," Mordin commented, gathering what remained of the window. "Impressive use of biotics."

Garrus made a start for the door. "We _have _to get her before she blows up the entire ship!"

"You're right." Jane took her pistol from its holster again and pointed to the stairs that led to the room Jack had just escaped from. "Move out, people!"

* * *

Purgatory was _burning_. Jack had set the entire ship on fire with her mech-killing antics, and she wasn't stopping. Mechs, datapads and mercenary corpses lay haphazardly strewn across the room in total chaos.

Saren laughed at every dead merc he saw, much to Garrus' and Mordin's disgust and annoyance. Jane didn't care; all she wanted was to get out of Purgatory so she could watch "Me and My Batarian Boyfriend", definitely one of the best shows on the extranet. The handsomeness of batarians had slowly grown on her over the years, even though they killed her family and destroyed her home colony. It had to be the two extra eyes; no other species could pull that off and still look sexy in the process. It almost made her forget about the life-threatening danger she was in now.

"I like this Jack!" Saren shouted over the gunfire. "She's almost as violent and eager for destruction as I am!"

The team trundled forth at a leisurely pace, getting closer and closer to the Normandy. Jack had to be there, it was a dead end.

They walked right into a large room, where several prison guards and prisoners were currently engaged in Mortal Kombat. Well, Mortal Kombat with mass effect guns and improvised weaponry. Shepard held up a hand, the official signal for "grab your guns and shoot at anything that moves".

"Whose side are we fighting on?" Garrus questioned. "The prisoners'?"

"Depends on what you want to be killed by." Jane shrugged. "If you want to be killed by rifles and pistols, kill the prisoners. If you want to be ripped to shreds with a makeshift knife, kill the Blue Suns."

Garrus cocked his head to the side. "We could always-"

"SMELL MY GREATNESS!"

One flash of light, and their enemies fell one by one, crushed against walls, flung high into the ventilation shafts, spinning through the air, locked in stasis…the battlefield was a bloody mess, and nobody was there to clean it. Behind Jane, Niftu Cal stood proud, his biotic aura still swirling around him like a halo of light. He truly was the apex of masculinity.

"Holy _fuck, _Cal." Jane's eyes widened and she patted the volus on the back. "You just ruined an entire fight scene. Good job!"

"See why I'm called "the biotic god"?"

The hiss of a door in the corner of the room indicated that more mercenaries were coming. Jane's Spectre Senses were tingling, and it wasn't the good kind of tingling. If there ever was a good kind of tingling, that is.

She shoved the volus directly in their line of fire. "Cal, do it again!"

The volus yawned. "Can't…too…tired."

And then he fell over.

"It seems like…" Saren began, reaching for a pair of sunglasses and putting them on, "…your god went to bed early tonight."

YEAH!

After this very obvious CSI parody, Jane immediately ducked behind cover, followed by her squad. She pondered her next move. Should she just stand up and shoot when the mercs reloaded their guns, or should she wait for it and let her team of badasses do the work for her?

"Enemies inbound," Mordin noted. "Mercenaries possess one YMIR mech. May have to use heavy weapons to get out of this one."

Jane snapped her fingers. The Cain! Oh, how she had cheated to get it. She reached for the nuke launcher that was strapped to her back, but she was interrupted by someone shooting a rocket directly at her face. She managed to dodge it by rolling to the left, then finally took hold of her Cain. The batteries were at 100%. She only had one chance. In the meantime, the gunfire had taken her shields down, leaving her with nothing but armor and determination.

"Cover me while I charge this thing!" she yelled, aiming the tactical nuke launcher at the mercs. "And stay out of the way when it hits!"

Garrus was quick to seize command over the team while Shepard charged the Cain. "Mordin, freeze the bastards! Saren, we're on sniping duty together!"

Saren rolled his eyes. "I don't take commands from anyone."

"Okay, if you want to die, so be it." Garrus prepared his sniper rifle and gazed through the scope. "I'll be right here."

The Blue Suns were getting closer, their bullets all but grazing Mordin's body as he leapt out of cover to freeze them in place. As Jane had recently found out, Cryo Blast worked wonders in combat. It allowed her and her squad to smash enemies with relative ease; something her biotics hadn't really been able to do until now. Garrus picked off the frozen mercs one by one with concussive shots, carefully aiming as not to hit any explosive crates; that would only mess up their attack further. When he was down to the last one, he didn't even have to look through his scope anymore: it would just be a waste of time.

But the satisfying crunch of your enemies exploding like a stepped-on popsicle didn't happen. He waited for a few seconds, but it just didn't happen. When he opened his eyes again, just to check, he saw Saren standing on what remained of the turian merc, licking the blue blood off a piece of ice that had come from the dead body beneath him with his long, snake-like tongue.

Garrus' mouth fell, his mandibles splayed, and all he could do was gasp at the rancid sight in front of him.

Saren chuckled before tossing away the bloody piece of ice. "I always enjoy ice cream, don't you?"

"Alright people, out of the way!" Jane aimed the Cain at the second wave of mercs, and fired the nuke. "COVER YOUR EARS!"

**BOOM.**

The team had never seen such a big explosion in their entire life. Dozens of severed limbs rained down on them as they tried to avoid being hit by the sheer destruction of the explosion, just wishing the wonder fridge from Indiana Jones was present to protect them from the nuclear blast. It even seemed to wake up Niftu Cal!

"SHEPARD, WHAT THE HELL!" cried the little guy, his mask black with soot and dust. "I THINK MY EARDRUMS JUST POPPED!"

"PRAY TO WHATEVER GOD YOUR SPECIES BELIEVES IN THAT THIS HORRIBLE CHAPTER WILL BE OVER SOON!" Jane called back, her voice cracking ever so slightly, just because making characters' voices crack sounds so poetic and purple-prosey and…okay, I just wanted to use it once.

"I see you've killed my mercenaries."

Jane turned around to see Warden Kuril himself, toting an uber-cool machine gun called the Revenant Light. But that wasn't the only thing that seemed off about Kuril. No, his armor had also turned a fabulous pink in-between cutscenes. TexMod FTW!

"I could've sold you and lived like a king," he spat with seething anger in his voice. "Now I'm just reduced to a small cameo at the end of the mission!"

Jane's lips curled into a devious smile. "You could have much more than a cameo role, if you know what I mean…" She winked to emphasize her point.

Kuril stared at a sheet of paper he held in his hand for a moment. "Hey, that wasn't in the script!"

"Then what IS in the script?" Jane licked her lips.

"The script is telling me to throw you down on the floor and make hot love to you while the ship burns down around us!"

Garrus shifted uncomfortably in his stance. "Yeah, sorry," he began hesitantly. "That's the script of a random Garrus/FemShep fic you're reading there."

"Whatever." Kuril quickly exchanged the sheet of paper for his machine gun. "At least I can recapture Jack."

"You can recapture _me _anytime you want, big boy." Jane took a step forward to stroke the warden's mandibles with her fingers. "I'm not usually into the whole "being held prisoner" stuff, but for you I'll make an exception."

Kuril responded by firing one bullet at her that almost managed to penetrate her shields and growling. "Prepare yourself for battle, Spectre. Today, we fight like men! Or…women. I'm not going to quote Gilgamesh here."

"Unfortunately for you, I know the weakness of every man," Jane scoffed.

Kuril's expression was blank. "Asari strippers?"

Jane smiled again. "No. A good old-fashioned kick in the junk."

She gathered all of her power in her right foot and used it to kick Kuril's warden balls so hard it sent him flying against the wall. Jane calmly walked over to him, stepping on his throat with one of her feet.

"You're blasphemous!" Kuril yelped. "You're mad!"

"Bad 'This is Sparta' joke, go!" Niftu Cal jeered.

"Mad?" Jane whispered, pointing her pistol at the turian struggling beneath her and shaking her head.

"I'M COMMANDER SHEPARD, AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE STORE ON THE CITADEL!"

**Blam.**

Within a second, Kuril was headless, and all that remained of his faceplate was a small pile of ashes that softly floated away.

"Anti-climactic fight sequence much?" Saren folded his arms. "I had hoped for a bigger show."

"You can't have it all." Jane shrugged her shoulders. "Let's put an end to this chapter."

* * *

The squad spotted Jack as she slid past a couple of mechs, slamming the few remaining guards against the wall. What a coincidence, the Normandy was close by. At least they wouldn't have to walk through more corridors.

"I HATE CERBERUS!" the biotic screamed, jumping up and down like a cartoon character. "I FUCKING HATE THAT THREE-HEADED DOG!"

"Calm down, Belt Bra." Jane held a hand up protectively, even though she knew that Jack's biotic attacks wouldn't be able to get through her shields. "I'm here to save you."

Jack snorted. "You sound like a pussy."

The commander put her hands to her sides. "What a coincidence: you sound like a rat."

The all-powerful Jack didn't even attempt to claw her throat out. Instead, she just gave a tiny nod of her head. "I'm not going anywhere with Cerberus."

"Could knock her out and take her," Mordin suggested. "Have chloroform in pack."

"I'd like to see you try," the biotic threatened. "Fucking frog." She then faced Jane, but her eyes were still transfixed on the Cerberus logo present on the Normandy.

"Bet your ship's got a lot of Cerberus databases. I'd like to look through their files, see what Cerberus has got on me."

Jane didn't even think about it; just selecting the Paragon response. "I'll see what I can do."

"Miranda won't like this," Niftu Cal sniffed. "I sense imminent violent hatesex. I don't know if my suit will be able to handle that."

"Let's go."

* * *

"Good evening Jack, and welcome to the Normandy. I'm Miranda Lawson, modeled after and voiced by Yvonne Strahovski. On this ship, we follow orders." Miranda paced around, hands behind her back.

"Tell the Cerberus cheerleader to back off, Shepard," Jack sneered. "I'm here because of our deal."

"I'll give you full access, Jack." Shepard replied with honesty.

"Good." Jack walked to the door. "Oh, and one last thing." She turned around again. "Stay out of my way. I don't need you, I don't need anyone. I'm just going to sit and sulk all day below deck, murmuring about how I hate Cerberus and how I'm going to take my epic revenge someday. See ya."

When Jack was out the door, Miranda looked at Shepard with an intense look of disappointment on her face and shook her head.

* * *

**MORDIN: …on to letters I received! Had to filter out love letters, though. Fifty of them. Hope you don't mind. Letter 1!**

_Dear Mordin,_

_I've been seeing this salarian lately. He's really cute, and I'm hoping to take things to the next level with him. The problem is, I'm also kind of worried about how to handle propositioning it to him. How do you get someone "in the mood" who doesn't have "the mood" to begin with? What if he rejects me? Am I thinking this over too much?_

_Love,_

_Worried Asari_

**MORDIN: Not to worry. Everyone naturally attracted to asari. Mary Sues of known galaxy. Tell him about your feelings. Keep it consensual. Keep to mind-melding if he finds the physical part intimidating. LETTER 2!**

_Salarian,_

_I'm a batarian. I met this human female in Afterlife a few weeks back, and we kind of hit it off right then. Problem is, her father had a friend who was killed by batarian slavers. The first time he saw me, he tried to slit my throat with a razorblade. Don't think he'll be as forgiving the next time. So I wanted to ask, can I stay at your clinic with my girl until the geezer's done rambling?_

_Thanks,_

_Khar_

**MORDIN: Hmm…batarian/human relationship…intruiging. Come see me later, still need to shoot an instructional vid about the concept of batarian/human intercourse. Of course you can stay at my clinic.  
**

***MORDIN turns to the camera***

**MORDIN: Last letter answered. Goodbye, readers! Remember: stay safe and don't ingest!**

**

* * *

****A/N: MY LONGEST CHAPTER EVER. Glad it's done. Hope you enjoyed reading it! **

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